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Monday, April 14, 2014

WISH I CAN HOLD YOU



I FEEL YOU NEAR
YET YOU ARE SO FAR
I FEEL YOU ARE WITH ME
BUT NOBODY IS BESIDE ME

 I CAN SEE YOU FROM AFAR
BUT I CANT BE NEAR
I TRIED TO SHOUT
HOPE THAT YOU CAN HEAR ME
BUT I FEEL THAT YOU’RE DEAF

 I TRIED TO RUN TO REACH YOU
BUT MY STRENGTH IS NOT ENOUGH
I TRIED AND TRY
BUT NOTHING SEEMS TO BE ENOUGH

 I DID WHAT I CAN
BUT STILL NOTHING WORKS
NOTHING CAN I CAN DO
TO BE NEAR YOU

 I HOPE THAT I CAN HOLD YOU
I WISH THAT YOU CAN STAY BESIDE ME
BUT THAT WAS A DREAM
BUT STILL THAT DREAM IS WHAT I HOLD ON TOO

 I WISH I CAN HOLD YOU
TO BE NEAR YOU FOREVER
HOPE THAT I CAN STAY BY YOURSIDE
FOR ME NOT TO LOOSE YOU FOREVER

 I WISH THAT I CAN HOLD YOU
I WISH I CAN
I WISH I CAN DO THAT
I REALLY WISH I DO
 

WITHOUT YOU


I close my eyes to see you
And I did saw you from afar
I did try to reach you
But it’s impossible

 The distance between us
Cannot be measured
Thousands of steps is not enough
But still I tried

 I hug myself to feel you
I can feel your warmth
But you’re not here
I know you’re not here

 I open my eyes and I saw the truth
I am alone
Alone without you
Weak
So weak without you

 How can I be there?
How can I be with you?
How can I mend this broken heart?
I hope I can without you

 I wish I am an angel
I wish I can fly
But without you I cannot
Because you are my wind

 I am empty
I am alone
I am nothing
Without you

Sunday, April 13, 2014

I AM STILL LOVED


I can see the movement of each leaf
The breeze that hugs them so softly
I can see the sky with a smile
That is kissed by each ray of the sun
I can hear the laughter of tides
As it kisses the shore
I hear the trembling sway of each branch
They sway with happiness
I see all of these
I feel all of these
Thanks that God still loves me
And He doesn’t give up on me
It is shown in nature
And it will be forever

Sunday, March 30, 2014

THE ROAD TO NOWHERE


I just knew that I was sick and it is terminal, but still I don’t know why am alive. Why am here and what is my purpose in life? It never came into my mind on what is my purpose, all I know is just am happy living my life. That’s it and no other.

I was born in poverty and below poverty line is the status of my family. We eat rice once a day with salt and water as our viand. We plant root crops in preparation for drought and in preparation for not having rice on our table as staple food. I remember that there were times that we just eat once a day. And our food? . . .  Boiled sweet potato. It doesn’t matter anyway, what is important is we are alive..

Time comes; my brain starts to function as it should be. I entered elementary grade and I make it a point that I will be schooling at my best. My mother nor my Father did enrolled me for Grade 1 as a pupil. What I know is that I ask my Mother to give me my birth certificate and that’s it. The next week I am starting to go to school EMPTY stomach. I don’t care, and who cares even. What I know is am alive, I am selfish that time, I want to grow, I want to live longer that’s it. Other than that is a glorious day for me. What is important for me is that I am thankful that I am alive; my family is there (even though I don’t feel them. Physically they are there) and I have friends around. There are times that my food is just tears falling from my eyes. It is enough to feed my lonely heart and to feed my hungry stomach. I just close my eyes and am there in the table of imaginary food, but look still I did it. I struggle with compassion alone or with my Physical family. I did all I can to please them but they are like robots that you wont please them anyways so I did please myself. Funny, but true.

Grade 3 pupil when I started to join competition for quizzes, when I started to dance for my life and when I join the stage to please anyone that I can please. That was my purpose now, to please people not my family or even those who doesn’t want to be pleased. Still my life and my family was below poverty line where we eat once a day and what we know lunch is a porridge food and that’s it, no other than that. Who is with me is my teachers, coaches and friends again. .  They are my family. It made me stronger that at the young age, tears am not a measure of feeling but a measure of being weak. I forget to cry, I even don’t know what it is at my age of 12. I don’t care. I even see people cry but I call them looser. Why they cry, can it heal them? No tears won’t heal but time will do. Understand life at present, don’t look back, and don’t even try to step back, just learn from what you have done wrong before and consider it as history.

I have done my elementary grades with flying colors, well who cares? I earn medals, again who cares? What I know is that I own my life, I make my journey and this is me. If they can’t be happy for me at least I am happy for myself. Call me selfish but I call it STRONG. I am like living on a verge of a cliff that anytime I make a wrong move I will fall into a depth that nobody can pick me up, besides nobody will pick me up right. I need to be strong for me. I need to be mean sometimes, I need to be hypocrite, I need to cheat myself and that is my card in winning.

At the age of 12, I was apart from my family, having my high school life away from them. Some other people told me that it was really hard, but for me it is just easy. So what if am apart from them, so what if I cant see them, I even ask myself if they wish to see me or even ask myself if I am one of their son. Time flows and I am getting older, understanding every bit of information. Now I learn that sometimes, being selfish is feeding yourself with what you want and grieve not what you need and what you can do. I want a revenge that’s what I can see in my heart. Well it’s not too late for me to change I told myself. So I started to do so. I started to go back home (family house) as much as I can. Even though my Mothers mouth is like a machine gun with unlimited bullets on it. Suddenly my Father changed and he understands me. He understands who I am and why I am like this. For me the bright sky is like promising me new things. Well I am happy for that. Still I am I making it a point that I am making my life to the fullest making each moment on top. Aside from joining competitions for quizzes, I entered stage drama and extra-curricular activities in school. |No wonder I graduated with flying colors.

Graduation day, every family must be or should be happy for their sons and daughters have finished the second stage of education but not me. I was waiting for any family member to arrive to attend for my graduation day and none of them arrived. Anyway, I started to prepare for nothing but a very casual occasion when suddenly my Mother arrived in a glooming, glamorous Filipina gown. I was shocked and she asked me if am ready. Well I am ready with my uniform on and ready to hit the facade for the graduation entrance when suddenly she became angry and ask me where are my casual attire for the graduation. Do you think a 16 year old guy can make it possible without a job to procure for him casual attire? I don’t think so. The next thing I know is that a partnered spunk on my face just landed. I did not cry nor did I not show a face.  I just told her that she will not attend my graduation and no one will attend my graduation but me. Now I can feel that she was a bit proud of me but it was too late. Even though she was there but I did not let her attend my graduation ceremony. She waited me outside of the events hall and asks the guards not to let her in. I did not give her any invitation too. When I went out, I just go directly to my boarding house. I did not cry, nor did I not feel any happiness.

I graduated in high school with flying colors and with honors and commendations (they don’t know about that) and I am ready to hit university and I ask them if they can help me at least. What I remember is that a long wood just landed on my back as an answer. I did not say anything even a single word. They did not see any tears dropped from my eyes and my answer was just a flaming look at them. I talk to my Father and I told him that if they cannot let me into a university, I will do my best to help myself. And I did. Again, I did not invite them for my bachelor’s graduation. I just made myself proud of me. (I don’t know if they are proud of me) and just told myself that what I am doing is for me. I want to improve my life, I want to see the real world above poverty. I want to know what life is in reality.

Life goes on, my father died with sickness while am working and that is the last time I saw my tears fell. It is hard to loose somebody who was there when at least I need somebody to comfort me. My father is a few worded men that all he answers will help you think. (Idioms). I continue my life and I aimed to put my family out of poverty. I started to look for work that will immediately help us step up. I worked in and out of the country and earn some more for a living. Sent my youngest brother to college and finished a technical course. At least now I know that I am worthy enough to live but where am I going, what is my purpose of living?

For long that I have been working, I have earned a little, I have put up our family a little on top of poverty, I have made friends, I have met cousins who I did not meet in my whole life. For long time I am working, I feel like something is happening to me. Something that will stop me from what I am doing for the family. I was outside of the country when I realized that I need to come home and check what is happening. Yes I am sick and it is terminal that I cannot do what I want to do, that I cannot live for long I was thinking I can that I cannot be happy as what I was thinking before and I am near to end my life with no purpose at all. Why am I here? What am I doing in this earth, what should I do? Now I don’t like to tell them, I don’t like them to know that I am dying, that my life is so short to put them up and I don’t like to be a burden. Yes, I had bad feeling with them but I did not show it to them on the other hand I did what I can do to help them but still they thought that I am ok that I can sustain what they want and what they need. I cannot anymore, I am like a candle nearing to the point that the lit will end and darkness will come. I am thinking what will happen to them if am gone. What will happen to be if am on bed, who will take care of me, who will be beside me, up to know they don’t care at all. They don’t even ask me how I do; all they know is that I am their living ATM machine, their living bank without any deposit at all. I don’t like to end up my life with nothing focused but my family, I want something that I can be remembered as whom I am now, not who I am before because life has the ability to change and people has the ability to accept failure.

Who I am? Where I will go? How long will I stay? What will happen if am gone? Will they survive without me? What will happen? Where am going? Where . . . . . . . . . ?

Saturday, March 15, 2014

MY EVERYTHING

 

I feel the breeze

I feel the warmth

I wish I could fly

But I cant.

 

I see sunlight

Sunlight that starts to shine

Through the darkness

I see lights

 

I hear birds sing

I hear tides rushing

I wish I could go

But I cant

 

I wish I can

I hope I can do

But I cant

Something is missing.

 

Something is missing

That stops me from doing everything

That something is my everything

And that everything is you.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

SUNLIGHT


 

 

Through the morning dawn

I saw you pass through

A bright light that wakes me

Little sunlight that brightens everyone’s day.

I stand up

To see more about you

I feel your embrace so warmth

You care my lonely heart

You heal my broken wings

You gave me hope

You give me the feeling of being alive.

Sunlight

 

 

 

Sunday, March 9, 2014

ME


 

 

You see me smile

Yes I smile but it doesn’t mean am happy

You see me cry

But it doesn’t mean am sad

You may see me jolly

But it doesn’t mean am ok

Because am not a river that you know where it ends

I am not the moon that you know it only shines at night

Not even the sun that shines daily.

I am me, and nobody knows who I am.

 

You may see me alone

But it doesn’t mean am lonely

You may see me with somebody

But still I am lonely

I may need a companion

But it doesn’t mean it will be forever

Because what I need is somebody who understand me

Not somebody that I need to understand

This is me and this is my life

I hope somebody will understand.

ME. . . . . ALONE


I started to think

Why should I be here?

Why should I be in this vast of challenge?

Why?

 

I started to walk

Staring in each corner of streets

I saw them smiling and laughing

Why?

 

I sat down and think

Why I should be like this?

Why I should be here?

Why should I be alone?

 

They say life is a journey

Yes it is, but should I be alone?

Should I be with someone?

Should I just carry myself?

 

I should go on

I should fight

I should stand

I should and I will.

 

Mountains maybe so high

Oceans maybe vast

Roads maybe long

But I have only one life that I should carry on

 

Yes I am alone

Yes I am one

But I can fight

And stand for my life.

 

GONE


 

 

As I walk around

All I can feel is the breeze of the wind

I tried to unwind

To recover from the past that made a wound.

 

I raise my hand up high

Close my eyes

And open it and all I can see is sky

A clear and beautiful horizon

 

I put my hand around

Embrace myself.

Tears fell as I remember you

Where have you been . . .  Gone.

 

I continue to walk on the shore

For where am going,

I am not sure

What I know is am alone

 

As I open my eyes

Hoping to see you

But you are not there

Because you are gone.

 

I sat for awhile

I remember you beside me

Holding my hand

But that was a dream 

Because you are gone.

 

I follow the breeze

My heart melts with your memories

Myself drown with your love

And still you are not there

Because you are gone.

 

I don’t know when I will see you again

All is left in me is pain

All I can have is a love you left

Love that I will keep

Until you come back to me

 

I don’t know when

I don’t know where

I don’t know how

All I know is that you are gone.

 

 

 

 

Thursday, June 20, 2013

A NOTE OF LOVE FARAWAY


A NOTE OF A LOVE FARAWAY

 

I wish I can fly
Swiftly crossing the sky
Just like an eagle
That’s free to wander
You maybe faraway
But if I can just fly
I will be there in a minute
The time you call me
I wish that to be with you is like a dream
I will always close my eyes
Just to be there
Beside you and forever
But that dream is hard to come true
All I can do is wish for
That soon you will come back to me
Same as the time before I met you.
Like the wave
Silently travelling across the ocean
I wish I can roll with the tide
Just to be with you.
Like a sound of a thunder
I wish that you can hear my heart
That only beats
Because of you.
I know you are far away
But always remember
That I am here always,
Waiting and loving you
You may be gone
You may even forget me
But the scars that you left me
Is carved in my heart that continuously loving you.