A DANCE OF MY LIFE

REASON

REASON

I hear drops of rain

Hear it falls on the roof

It makes me wonder

How did it happen?

I feel the breeze

It hugs me and comforts me

I ask myself

Why should the wind do that?

I hear the music

It has harmony

It has rhyme and rhythm

I ask why it should be like that.

I open my eyes

I saw people

People that struggle to live

Why is life like that?

It’s like a dance

You can’t make it without a sound

A sound that makes you move

That makes your dance meaningful

I open my mind

And I just understand why

Why everything should happen like that

Because it has reason to make our life balance.

DIARY OF SAYING GOODBYE; (I Should Leave While Am In Love)

DIARY OF SAYING GOODBYE

(I Should Leave While Am In Love)

It was over, I am done, I fell, I failed and I am hurt. I leave, I left and suppose to be gone, but I have tried to cope up, move on and take another step. A step that then became a leap and a leap that became a jump to a new hope. A hope that I will find the right one. The right person to love, to care and to share with my life. It is not over as they say, but it hurts and I should accept it.

September 18, 2008 I arrived in Dammam Airport from Philippines with my luggage and pain. He is the main reason why I left the country. He the reason why I am looking for another life, another part of my life that I have missed the time that I loved him. But I told myself, it is alright, nothing should change, it will be still me and that ME will go on. A bit of sadness and tears go on and slowly I am adjusting to the new environment that I am in. Tried to stay peaceful and calm, and tried to hide the pain.

I worked as if nothing happens, pretending that I am alright. But deep inside I am broken, broken into pieces that I am trying to fix and pick one by one. It is not easy, I maybe far from him and from the memories that we have shared but he is still inside of my heart. Three (3) months had past and I am now ready (as I can see) to face the new ME. I wind up around and am myself. The pain is almost gone but I can still see the scars.

January 2009, I have my residence permit and I am allowed to go around anywhere I like. I have tried to sit in coffee shops, restaurants, go to some places and meet some nice people. I have this one favorite place that I always sit in with my laptop and chat with my family back home. This is one way of moving on and getting connected more to my family since I did not have more time to be with them when I was in Philippines. As time goes by and my routine stays the same, it is like a piano tune that never raises a note or even makes it in falsetto.

One February evening, it was a nice peaceful weekend and a bit cold. I decided to visit my favorite place in that coffee shop. It was full but my favorite was just like reserved for me. I sit down and turn on my laptop. The waiter came and he took my order (This waiter almost knew what I want every time I am there). As there are lots of people, the place is a bit noisy but not that loud so I decided to use my earphones. Listening to music and having done with a blog entry for the month. It was really cool night. The moon is shinning and the sky is clear and the weather is great. We call that weather as “the tail of winter” it was chilly cold with dry wind.
Here comes my coffee. Warned by the waiter that it was hot, I decided not to touch it yet. Well focused on what am doing and to my computer, I did not noticed that somebody was in front of me asking if he can join me in that place since there are no seats available. I stand up and say sorry (a gentle gesture of Arabs), and I said please you may. I did not mind him; anyways we are not friends or anything. Still continuing my work on a set of poems, he suddenly cracked the silence in that place asking why am so serious of what am doing and that was the second time (he told me) asking me. I did not hear him since am listening to music (Music is not allowed to be heard by Muslims in public places). I said sorry again and remove my earphones. I sipped my coffee and told him that I am writing something. That was the time that I saw his face directly and scrutinizes every inch of his appearance. He has a blue eyes, well designed mustache and beard. He started to talk and he is fluent in English but he is so serious. So I tried to fit in on his mood. He introduced himself and I introduce myself but I did not give my complete name since it is hard to do that here in Saudi Arabia. He asked me about anything he wish to know and I throw some questions too. Then he asked me if I usually have time to stay in that coffee shop and I said “yes I am always here if I have free time”. Then we both drink the coffee and had a long conversation and he knows how to smile and laugh that I did not know he can since he is a serious type of guy.
Another February 2009 weekend, I grab my computer and directly headed to the coffee shop. It was dusk after the prayer time. When I proceed to my place, I smiled because I saw somebody is there. (The place is actually at the corner where you cannot see the TV screen and most of Locals go there to watch football match while drinking coffee with friends.) Most of the time, nobody wants to take that seat before and the coffee shop was not full. He was there in my place reading a news paper. So I turn around and look for another seat. The only thing I don’t know is that maybe he felt somebody is coming to such place (my favorite seat) so he put down his newspaper and he saw me looking for another place. Then he called me and smiled. He asked me “You don’t want to seat in your favorite place?” I just smile and said “Yes of course I own that part of this coffee shop, I actually rented that for a year.” And I smiled, he laughed. He invited me to seat with him and so I did. I was not that talkative to avoid everything along the way hehehehehe. He started the long, long conversation that the coffee shop closed for the last praying time but we are still inside the coffee shop. We finished 2 cups of coffee and we reached 12 midnight. It’s getting late so I asked him an excuse to go home. I was shocked when he said “would you like a lift, I can bring you home.” I just told him, “no thank you so much but my house is just 5 minutes walk from here.” He said, “No it’s ok you will not pay the gas of my car, it’s for free.” Then I laugh and I cannot say no. That time, he knew where I was living. That meeting in coffee shop continues.
Until March 2009, I never saw him again. Well who is he anyways, it doesn’t matter. April 2009, I was amazed and shocked when he suddenly appeared in my place again. I don’t know but I feel happy to see him again. We are not friends. I approached him and said hello. He shook hands and what is more shocking when he greet me in a local way (kissing the right cheeks and saying salam). So I did reply also in local way. I asked him where he go the past month. He told me that he was in Yemen doing some Military Peace Keeping Force from Saudi Arabia. That time I knew that he was in Military. I got curious and I ask some questions about personal things. I just knew that he is an aircraft engineer working in Ministry of Defense (Naval Force) and he is doing the ground tactics. I said, “you are to humble and it doesn’t show in your face that you are a military guy.” But I said thank you (I usually give thanks to our uniformed men for keeping us safe), then he laughed ask me why I gave him thanks. I told him that I gave thanks for keeping us safe. And I continued, “I will not believe you until I see you in uniform with your rank on your shoulder.” Hahahaha it was a funny joke and he laughed to. We talked a lot until we exchange emails and mobile numbers.

I will never forget March 27th 2009. My phone rang and I do not know who is on the line. Well, I answered anyways expecting that it was a call from office. It was Friday and it was a weekend but my boss loves to bother me in weekends (this pisses me off). He did not answer immediately until I said ‘who’s on the line please?” Suddenly I hear his voice and I said “kick your ass military men, how are you?” He said he is fine. So I asked him why he called, instead of answering my question he asked me to go down the house. I grabbed my trousers (we are not allowed to wear shorts in this country) and rushed down. I saw his car but I cannot recognize him. I doubt to come and meet the guy in his car. The guy is wearing a navy uniform and wearing RayBan glasses (classic). I am going to turn around and go back when he called again, now he said, “where are you going am inside my car. I want to invite you for a lunch at the beach.” So I said ok. (Locals gets pissed off if they invite somebody to eat with them and they say no.) I come over and he went out of his car and removes his glasses. He was smiling like he is pissing me off. I entered the car and the time he sat down on the driver seat, I punch him hard on his shoulder. And he laughed so hard and asked why. I told him “I thought police is catching me for something.” And he really laughed so hard and said. “Nobody can touch you here even police, I am here habibi. (Means close friend).” And I said “Oh really? Now I believe that you are a navy but I do not believe that you can be a hero.” And he said “You need to test, am serious.” No comment at all and a sudden silence. I told him that I will not go out of the car and eat at the beach restaurant with him in his uniform. So he told me that I need to give him three minutes to go to his house and change his clothes.

We arrive in his house, I did not go out of the car instead I waited. Exactly 3 minutes he came back and I was in total shock. He is wearing denim and shirt. But the shirt couldn’t hold his big masculine body. Now you can describe him as a HUNK, he is perfectly shaped. Not showing to him how I was really attracted to his physique, I don’t look at him too much. It was a complete silence when suddenly he flicks my ears (I was listening to music). And I shouted, it hurts “Ouch, the hell you are.” And he laughed so loud. I punched him many times on his right shoulder and then I stopped and he asked “is that all you’ve got?” His shoulders were so hard like you are punching a stone with a very thin cushion. I just said, “Hell you are, it hurts.”

We arrived at the restaurant and we come in. We sat in Arabic style of eating (squatting on the floor). I just raised my brows and smiled and said, “I know you don’t like to eat in this position, but I like and I dominate, you did not win yet on challenges.” So I ask what challenges. He said “if you make my shoulders violet in one punch then you win.” I laughed because I don’t know that he has this kind of sense of humor. I cannot do anything, so I just sat down and wait for the food. I was in total shock when I saw the bunch of food. One whole grilled chicken for me and a mountain of Arabic rice. A local yogurt and a half liter of juice. And I said “Am I going to be executed after this meal?” He laughed again and said, “That’s how big people eat, a feast and since you are with big person today, you should eat just like how I eat.” So I just said ok.
After about an hour of talking and eating, we finished lunch and we went to the beach to grasp some fresh air. Then I asked him to bring me home. Then at that moment he said, “Before I bring you home I will tell you something.” And then I asked what. I don’t know if I will like it or not but I hear it from him. He said, “Can we be more than friends?” and I said, “Like what?” He said “Like partners, I will be there if you need me and you will be my inspiration.” That time I kicked him really and he was too fast that he blocked my foot. And he laughed so hard and said. ‘You will never win habibi, you will never win. But I will lose something and I know you will win.” He started to be serious again. And I said, “Kick your ass Military men, don’t make jokes or I will kill you with my bare hands.” He laughed so hard and grabbed me with his one hand. He hugged me from the back that I can’t breathe because it was too tight hug. Then he bite me in my right ear and said, “Ok try to kill me now.” He continuously laughs. And I got pissed off and gave him a blow from my elbow on his stomach. Now I was able to get away and I am the one laughing Hahahaha. I sat down again and he sit beside me and ask seriously. “Will you let me love you? Will it be possible?” I did not answer instead I just smile.
We continuously meet each other if he is free and I am free. Until we found out that we are developing a good relationship. Time goes on; everything seems to be happy and great. Everything is like a sparkle of a star. And it is like the world never ends. He calls me from time to time but I never called him. It was great to be with him. I feel so safe and I am very happy for the first time after I get broken. I prayed and hope that this will never end.
We continue our affair of love and relation, until the time that he told me, I need to go to the gym and make myself fit because he feels awkward when I am with him outside because he can just lift me with his finger. I just smile at him until January 2010. He came to me with a card. Then I can’t read it since it is Arabic. He told me, come with him tonight and we will go somewhere and just show the card to the person who will ask. So since I trust him so much, I joined him. He pick me up at 8 PM and then drive through for a very short wile. Just about 2 minutes, we stopped. I asked why and where we will go. He smiled and said, “come with me, you should see people because you are just hiding there in your room like a prisoner.” So I went out and join. I was amazed when I enter the door. It was a gym, and the gym instructor approaches us and said, “Sir, are you a new member?” He said immediately, “Yes, he will be a member from now on, habibi give him the card.” The gym instructor was shocked when he called me Habibi. Then he left me by the counter and the gym instructor guided me through. When I asked the front desk if how long will be my membership, he told me that it will be valid for 3 months. I just said ok.
About to start the training he approaches me and said, “Be good ok.” Then he introduced me to his friends inside the gym. So I started the proper training until I get addicted to gym. He doesn’t need to get me from home and bring to the gym. I just walk and we meet there. Building up and everything is going fine but I am feeling a doubt that something is happening.
I did not see him for a day. The he arrived late the next evening in the gym. So I asked why. He just said that he was busy with his job in the naval base, so I just said ok. Not minding everything, my job gets worse and worse. I need to do overtime every night that I am so tired that I miss some of my gym schedules where we usually meet. He called me one time and get angry. Asking why am wasting the time. I told him that I am too busy with my job but he did not accept my reason. I promised him that no matter what happen I will be in the gym as he wished and so I did.
Slowly everything fades away like clouds from the sky after the rain. The sky went bright and the sun shines. And that cloud would be him. I did not see him for long time. February, March, April, May. I thought he was lost already. He is gone. I am continuing my gym training with my own membership already. I never expect him to come back. Yes, I was in love with him and I thought he is also. Time passes by and one night he arrived. He just shook my hand and said hi.
I know he is there already so that nights I send an offline message in his Yahoo messenger and he did reply. Tried to talk again and he again replied. In the long run of the conversation, the person on the other line slipped and said a word which is my mother tongue and I asked who he is. Then I called him over his mobile and it is off. I send an SMS and suddenly he replied. That time I thought that he is cheating.

Next night I saw him in gym and I did not greet him and nothing happens. The guy behind the magical Yahoo messenger showed up and he make a face unto me that just like saying, “get away from my partner.” I never talked to him until one day he called me. He told me if I can go out with him and I told him NO. That is the first time I said no to him and I mean it. That time am not sad nor happy. I just said to myself, “This is me and nothing will happen no matter what, Joe will still be Joe and nobody can change me. I am the rock that nobody can break.

The next night in the gym he approached me and said sorry and I told him directly on his face. “It’s ok not a problem for me. It is better to see you happy with somebody than to be with me and you feel lonely. But why him? I don’t like his attitude.” And he just smiled. And then he ask me, “Can we still be friends?” And I say Yes but that same friends before. I need to leave you while am in love. And that’s the end. We see each other inside the gym but we never talk to each other.

CHRISTMAS AWAY

This is my 6th year having Christmas alone and doing work in my office. All I can do is just call my family and greet, they never know that my heart is crying wanting to be with them but I need to do this for us, for my family not only for me. I could not express the feeling and the meaning of Christmas because I am not with them. I have tried many times but I keep it for the family not only for me. I want to shout, I want to cry but I should show it to them. They know that I am the strongest heart in the family, they know that I can make it, they know that am not weak and they know that they (family) are not important to me. That was said by my father before when I first tried to have Christmas alone. After the death of my father in 2003 I have started this attitude to have this very meaningful season alone for the reason that I cannot have a good talk with my Mom and with my eldest sister. Before I remembered, I just came late from University and it was 24th of December I was on training my Sweetest Father made a call and said if I can join them in the Noche Buena. I told him, am on my way Pa I will be joining. But that moment I was trying to see if my mother will call me to invite me for the said celebration, but again it was my Father who did it.

Christmas in 2004, my house is just 500 meters away to our family house. I am trying to see if my mother will call me for an invitation. She did not. I go to my office, midnight, nobody is there, and nothing is moving, only me and the guards. I locked my office and cried and hoping that one in our family will call me. 25th came, nothing happens as if am not there. I decided to keep it in my heart.

2005 I took another job as a Customer Service specialist. I am handling graveyard shift. Christmas, again the same thing happens. I am the one who called them and greet them as I have promised to my Dad that I will be keeping myself close to them (family). I wish that they will invite me. My hope and wish for that Christmas is again gone. My heart now is a stone, I didn’t cry, I didn’t take it serious. Now I am like a moving plastic around our family. Still at least am existing to their eyes even they don’t consider me as a living one. It’s ok now for me. I have accepted the fact that when I was in teenage I have done many things bad, many things against the family tradition, against the family respect that they have earned. But what can I do, this is me and I know what I am doing. Only my Dad (I really miss him) can understand me as his son and he is my bestfriend and my Dad.

Christmas of 2006, my brother is living in province and my sister also in another province. I called them and ask if they want to have a party with my Mom in that Christmas Eve. Both said yes. My 2 sisters are with my Mom and my youngest brother. I send money to my them and they were able to make it on 24th afternoon. I came home early because I took a half shift schedule to see if they will have a good family party and wish to join them. I passed by our family house and smile to the kids and give gifts just in front of our small gate. I did have a midnight shopping on the 23rd of December and I was able to wrap the gifts alone. My sister saw me and said her greetings. I just smile and return back the greetings. And I asked my eldest sister if she can send her kids along with my eldest brother’s kids to my house before the Eve. She said yes. I smile back and give thanks. My Mom saw me but she did not even break her lips for a smile. So I went home alone, locked everything and just me and my music. I cooked my own dish for Noche Buena, prepared some food for kids. I sat down in my living room and have rest. I accepted the fact that I am alone now and will be alone for more years. I did not cry, just few tears fell down from my eyes. I really remember that night my very beautiful Christmas ever. 9 PM of 24th December. I heard kids singing carols, they are like angels. So I got up from a nap, open my main door and I saw my little angels. Those kids are my niece and nephews. They are really like their uncle they know how to sing. And the most promising sight is that, they bring gifts for me. I kept my heart calm and smiling, but I could not keep my tears of joy. I hug them and my eyes and cried. Nobody from the kids asked why I cried. They just smile. I don’t want to end that night. I want the world to stop turning but I can’t. My sister called and asked me to send home the kids. So I did. I spent the Eve again alone with my dear music in the air.

I continue my next year 2007; I am stronger now than ever. My heart is not stone anymore; it is the hardest metal ever. Christmas is coming. I did not greet anybody from the Family, am tired and full and that’s enough. If they cannot forgive me then I have to accept it that they need time. My brothers are not talking to me. Just my sisters who can understand me. Now I just support them financially as what they have done to me in my whole life. Christmas is coming and I have promised that I will give whatever they wish to have. Again I made the family complete. Send money to my brother and sister for them to come in Family Christmas Party. I have made up my mind to get the shift on the Christmas eve. I did not greet anybody. I did not even hear anything from my Mom. My sisters called even I was in my office to greet me and that was all. I did not prepare any gift. I made it a point that it will just ordinary day. So be it. Nothing special for me that very memorable day.

2008; Christmas, I am in Saudi Arabia, nobody calls, nobody remember me from my family. For them, I do not exist anymore. Maybe my Mom have forgotten that he has a son away from home. I continue my life as if nothing happens. No tears, no gifts, nothing. It is just a very same day as it is like a normal day. I wake up in the morning, eat, take shower and go to my office. Nothing special, nobody remembered me. So accept the fact that they may consider me gone.

Now it is my 6th year of having Christmas away from my family. Six years trying to check if my Mom will give me that wonderful greeting. If my brother, will talk to me, if the kids can still remember me, if . . . . . . . . . . everything I wish for will be granted. This are the questions that am asking up to now and I cannot get any answer. “Did I do a crime to the family?” Did I do anything that ruined our family? Did I?????????” This time, I think twice if I will call my Mom to greet her Merry Christmas. I slept 1:00 AM already this 24rd of December thinking of the way I should approached the greetings for my Mom. I was on the bus going to my office that I have tried to call. She answered the phone and I greet her good afternoon. And she just answers with a sigh. I greet her Merry Christmas and it takes a minute for a response and that response made me smile and my tears fell down. Here is what she said on the phone in Tagalog. “Anak kelan ka ba magpapaskong kasama kami?” In English, “Son when will you spend Christmas with us?” And that sigh turns to cry. I can hear her crying. I am so happy that I have heard her inviting me to join them. I have heard her that she missed me. And it makes a sign that I am forgiven. It is a one line promising that can make my whole world and life happy. I am now living not existing. I am now a member of the family.

This is my Christmas, away from home. But near in their heart. My day is complete and my Christmas is wonderful Merry Christmas to all and Hope to have a true meaning of Christmas in your heart.

SORRY THAT I LOVE YOU

I maybe right, I maybe wrong
Because my love for you is strong
You are far away
But my love will find a way.

I never thought that you do love me too
But I am not sure if you really do
Because I never saw you
And fell your love if it is true

We never meet before
But my love getting stronger
Like the wind of the storm
It can blow anything on my way to make you my own

Now I saw you with somebody
But I know that you are happy
And now I say sorry
But I love you really.

My Special One

I may be gone of your sight
And you forget me it might
But you will always be the one
Until my life is done.

Am always here
To love and to protect you still
And make sure that nobody can harm you
And I will always do.

Coz you are the sun that lights my world
The stars that twinkles my night
The dawn of my life
And you will always be My Special One.