GREAT PRETENDER

LET IT BE

LET IT BE

Let the moon shine

To light up your night

Let the stars glitter

To decorate you broken heart

Let the leaves fall

To give way to spring

Let the flowers bloom

To color your world

Let the night ends

To give way to sunshine

Let the wind breeze

To comfort your lonely heart

Life without you is nothing

I always sit here waiting for you

Waiting that one day you will come

But you are gone and will never come

Let the river flows

Like my tears of sadness

Let the mountain rolls

Like the an obstruction of love

Let birds sing

Calling for you

Let the wind blows

Whispering your name

I close my eyes

Feel the warmth that is gone

Holding you in my dreams

I know you are gone so let it be.

EVEN SINNERS HAVE SOUL

EVEN SINNERS HAS SOUL

Once I was so happy

I thought I found life

They told me it was not life at all

For I have chosen to live a wrong one

I have followed a path

I thought am taking the right journey

But they said it was to darkness

And so I did stop

I have tried to ask where I should go

One told me here

But the other told me there

I am confused

I tried to listen

But I just hear them say

I tried to speak

But they never listen

I chose my own path

I thought it was happiness

Maybe it was

But for just meantime

Maybe I am just weak

But they told me I am strong

And thus I believe

But then it was really wrong

I came back to say am sorry

But that sorry wasn’t enough

They cant accept me for I have sinned

But I told them “Even sinners have soul”

THE LIFE OF A FOOL

THE LIFE OF A FOOL

I have tried to do everything just to please everyone

But that everything is not enough

I have done most of it just for them to accept me

But that most is not even recognized

I have tried to smile to hide the pain

But still everything hurts

I have tried to be strong but still am weak.

I have cried under the rain

Just to hide my tears

I slept in daytime

Just for me not to see the world

I have mingled to everyone

Just for me to show that am not alone

I have never shed a tear

Just to show to them that am strong

I live for them

But they never been there for me

I loved them looking forward that they will love me

But that was never true

I hated myself

And they are happy that I did

I loved and lived my life

And they shed tears for I am alive

I said I am not alone

But I am still lonely

I said I am happy

But the truth is am sad

I said I am living

But they know am just existing

I want to live

But want to see me die.

MY WEIRD LIFE

There are times that you think everything falls down into blank. Nothing left with you but your life.

There are times that you thought your friends are still there at your back but you don’t know that they are stabbing you at your back.

There even times that you thought your love is still alive but you just knew that your special one just left you and exchange to someone’s he thought better than you.

Even everything falls down into zero, even you thought that you are alone.

Even the sky covers the earth with harshness and even the sun may not shine in your life.

Hey it is not yet the end of the world. Keep moving, keep up your pace and walk through the fate that you are making.

Weave your success accordingly to what you think is good for you.

Even love, life and faith to someone is so frustrating and painful, they are not the one who makes your life.

They may be a part of your life but they don’t have the whole of your life. If wounds heal, pain also leaves accordingly in right time.

Yes wounds leaves a scar, same as love and painful life. They leave a scar because they became part of your life.

If your love left you, just say this word. DAMN YOU, YOU JUST LOST THE BEST PERSON WHO CAN LOVE YOU MORE THAN WHAT YOU THINK. Then close your eyes and turn around, don’t look back because if you do, you are looking back to an ASSHOLE.

CHRISTMAS AWAY

This is my 6th year having Christmas alone and doing work in my office. All I can do is just call my family and greet, they never know that my heart is crying wanting to be with them but I need to do this for us, for my family not only for me. I could not express the feeling and the meaning of Christmas because I am not with them. I have tried many times but I keep it for the family not only for me. I want to shout, I want to cry but I should show it to them. They know that I am the strongest heart in the family, they know that I can make it, they know that am not weak and they know that they (family) are not important to me. That was said by my father before when I first tried to have Christmas alone. After the death of my father in 2003 I have started this attitude to have this very meaningful season alone for the reason that I cannot have a good talk with my Mom and with my eldest sister. Before I remembered, I just came late from University and it was 24th of December I was on training my Sweetest Father made a call and said if I can join them in the Noche Buena. I told him, am on my way Pa I will be joining. But that moment I was trying to see if my mother will call me to invite me for the said celebration, but again it was my Father who did it.

Christmas in 2004, my house is just 500 meters away to our family house. I am trying to see if my mother will call me for an invitation. She did not. I go to my office, midnight, nobody is there, and nothing is moving, only me and the guards. I locked my office and cried and hoping that one in our family will call me. 25th came, nothing happens as if am not there. I decided to keep it in my heart.

2005 I took another job as a Customer Service specialist. I am handling graveyard shift. Christmas, again the same thing happens. I am the one who called them and greet them as I have promised to my Dad that I will be keeping myself close to them (family). I wish that they will invite me. My hope and wish for that Christmas is again gone. My heart now is a stone, I didn’t cry, I didn’t take it serious. Now I am like a moving plastic around our family. Still at least am existing to their eyes even they don’t consider me as a living one. It’s ok now for me. I have accepted the fact that when I was in teenage I have done many things bad, many things against the family tradition, against the family respect that they have earned. But what can I do, this is me and I know what I am doing. Only my Dad (I really miss him) can understand me as his son and he is my bestfriend and my Dad.

Christmas of 2006, my brother is living in province and my sister also in another province. I called them and ask if they want to have a party with my Mom in that Christmas Eve. Both said yes. My 2 sisters are with my Mom and my youngest brother. I send money to my them and they were able to make it on 24th afternoon. I came home early because I took a half shift schedule to see if they will have a good family party and wish to join them. I passed by our family house and smile to the kids and give gifts just in front of our small gate. I did have a midnight shopping on the 23rd of December and I was able to wrap the gifts alone. My sister saw me and said her greetings. I just smile and return back the greetings. And I asked my eldest sister if she can send her kids along with my eldest brother’s kids to my house before the Eve. She said yes. I smile back and give thanks. My Mom saw me but she did not even break her lips for a smile. So I went home alone, locked everything and just me and my music. I cooked my own dish for Noche Buena, prepared some food for kids. I sat down in my living room and have rest. I accepted the fact that I am alone now and will be alone for more years. I did not cry, just few tears fell down from my eyes. I really remember that night my very beautiful Christmas ever. 9 PM of 24th December. I heard kids singing carols, they are like angels. So I got up from a nap, open my main door and I saw my little angels. Those kids are my niece and nephews. They are really like their uncle they know how to sing. And the most promising sight is that, they bring gifts for me. I kept my heart calm and smiling, but I could not keep my tears of joy. I hug them and my eyes and cried. Nobody from the kids asked why I cried. They just smile. I don’t want to end that night. I want the world to stop turning but I can’t. My sister called and asked me to send home the kids. So I did. I spent the Eve again alone with my dear music in the air.

I continue my next year 2007; I am stronger now than ever. My heart is not stone anymore; it is the hardest metal ever. Christmas is coming. I did not greet anybody from the Family, am tired and full and that’s enough. If they cannot forgive me then I have to accept it that they need time. My brothers are not talking to me. Just my sisters who can understand me. Now I just support them financially as what they have done to me in my whole life. Christmas is coming and I have promised that I will give whatever they wish to have. Again I made the family complete. Send money to my brother and sister for them to come in Family Christmas Party. I have made up my mind to get the shift on the Christmas eve. I did not greet anybody. I did not even hear anything from my Mom. My sisters called even I was in my office to greet me and that was all. I did not prepare any gift. I made it a point that it will just ordinary day. So be it. Nothing special for me that very memorable day.

2008; Christmas, I am in Saudi Arabia, nobody calls, nobody remember me from my family. For them, I do not exist anymore. Maybe my Mom have forgotten that he has a son away from home. I continue my life as if nothing happens. No tears, no gifts, nothing. It is just a very same day as it is like a normal day. I wake up in the morning, eat, take shower and go to my office. Nothing special, nobody remembered me. So accept the fact that they may consider me gone.

Now it is my 6th year of having Christmas away from my family. Six years trying to check if my Mom will give me that wonderful greeting. If my brother, will talk to me, if the kids can still remember me, if . . . . . . . . . . everything I wish for will be granted. This are the questions that am asking up to now and I cannot get any answer. “Did I do a crime to the family?” Did I do anything that ruined our family? Did I?????????” This time, I think twice if I will call my Mom to greet her Merry Christmas. I slept 1:00 AM already this 24rd of December thinking of the way I should approached the greetings for my Mom. I was on the bus going to my office that I have tried to call. She answered the phone and I greet her good afternoon. And she just answers with a sigh. I greet her Merry Christmas and it takes a minute for a response and that response made me smile and my tears fell down. Here is what she said on the phone in Tagalog. “Anak kelan ka ba magpapaskong kasama kami?” In English, “Son when will you spend Christmas with us?” And that sigh turns to cry. I can hear her crying. I am so happy that I have heard her inviting me to join them. I have heard her that she missed me. And it makes a sign that I am forgiven. It is a one line promising that can make my whole world and life happy. I am now living not existing. I am now a member of the family.

This is my Christmas, away from home. But near in their heart. My day is complete and my Christmas is wonderful Merry Christmas to all and Hope to have a true meaning of Christmas in your heart.

I LOVE YOU BUT YOU LOVE HIM

From the time we meet

I fall in love with youI don’t know how it happens

What I know is I love you so.

Time make my feeling strong

But I don’t know that it will go wrong

I don’t know if I made a mistake

But to love you is what it takes.

I cannot hide my feelings

Because my love for you is burning

I could not live without you

And you know that it is true

To forget you is impossible to do

And you know that too.

I still love you But I know that you love him too.

I am now setting you free

Like a bird flying free

But you always stay in my heart

Even to love you will tear me apart

That’s how I love you

And am wishing that he loves you as I do.

I will never say goodbye

Because you are still in my heart and mind

Even though you love him so

But still I love you

And I will take it because it is true.