I always dream
To hold you in my arms
And let you feel
How much I really love you
I wish you have time
To be in my arms
And let me keep you near
To ease away the fears
It maybe just one night
To spell out the meaning of love
But I will always keep it
Deep in my loving heart.
I wish for this
To show my love for you
Just give me time
Even for just one night.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
THE LIFE THAT I AM WAITING FOR
It has been a while since the last time I wrote about myself. It was always grief, anger, pain, tears, lost and everything that is bad. Yes, I have been to that at the very young age and I don’t have any regret because I have learned so much lessons from those bad things that happen to me. I just let myself to do it in right way I think. I pour so much tears that almost no tears will fall from my eyes. I shouted that almost everybody was able to hear it, but then I always feel alone that I thought nobody cares and I am alone in this world. Yes, I have made myself alone. It was me who made me alone.
Starting from my young age that I know I am a gay and my family cannot accept me, I drove myself out of the family. I just lean on their financial support. I do not expect family or moral support. I was able to tell myself that I am alone now and I can live with it. I have made a different world out of my own and tried to live with it and tried to make this world of mine as happy as I can think of. I was wrong, as my true friends told me before. “You are born here in this world with people around, with your family, with your cousins and family friends; you are not alone so don’t put yourself in jail made by your own. Do not imprison yourself; you are making yourself a criminal of your own fault.” It was Marianne who told me that. She is my true best friend that she will tell it to you bluntly the truth of what you are doing, of what have you done, what it is the reason why it happens. That’s why I love her so much; she is my true best friend. That time, I knew that I am not alone and what is doing is not and should not be done and should not be going. I feel that time that am not alone. I feel that I have somebody to lean on, somebody that cares for me, somebody that I can rely on. That time, I knew what the meaning of moral support is.
Still my heart is away from my family that I thought, they never care about me. I have graduated high school without inviting anybody from the family, celebrates my birthday alone or some of true friends that I can just count on my fingers. I even graduated and finished my degree course that anybody in the family never knew that I was a scholar that I can finish that degree that I have earned. After my graduation that is the first time I stayed in our family house for more than one month. Yes I am still a gay and nobody can bend it. So my family treats me like I am sick, so sick that I am quarantined for that long month. Nobody talks, nobody shares my thought and they don’t care what I wish for. Still I am inside the family alone. One time my brother tried to punch me because am a disgrace in the family. Since my Dad is working away and I knew that he will be coming home soon, I have tried my best to stay up to 2 months, a grueling 2 months of pain, tears and sadness.
My father came home after few more days. That was April of 2000. So therefore, since I never talk to him for years since he was away and he doesn’t know what is happening to me. I felt that he doesn’t care about me too. A day after his rest, I ask him if I can have a few minutes alone with him. My dad says yes and I did talk to him. My dad doesn’t know how to cry that’s what is sure of. He is brave and stoned hearted. Over a cup of coffee I did not waste any second. I ask and ask and ask until I got all the answers. My Dad was able to understand me. It was the most wonderful day of my life. I remember my friend again, that I am not alone, I have still my family. And a mere kiss on his forehead was my answer with tears of joy.
Before I left that table as I remember, my Dad told me to try to talk to my Mom and Sisters and Brother. I told him that I cannot, I do not have enough strength to talk to them and I have a full anger to my mom that almost ruins my life. Just to hear the words like this “You better not be alive, you are a disgrace in family.” Will you come back at your family house? Will you talk to her ever? Will you have the strength and love to show to her? I don’t think so. I thought of talking to Mom. I get the strength from Dad. My Dad instead talks to Mom and we have conversation, the three of us. It was like hell. I stare at my Mom as like I don’t know her. I talk and explain. But still my mom cannot understand what should be understood.
That time I have decided to grab the offer of one company in Manila. I told my Dad that it maybe my goodbye to everyone. But they can visit me if they thought they want to see me. My dad told me this “You are mature enough and you know what is better from good.” He always says that when I talk to him even when I was a little kid before. I say goodbye to Dad one morning to go to work in Manila that nobody in the family knows that I am leaving except my Dad. And so that’s life. Back to normal, to be alone and care for myself.
I love my job in my new place. I live to work not that I live for happy life, which should be like that. Daily routine, daily things, always the same that nothing changed. The only thing that was changed is that, I woke up in the morning to go to work not to go to the University. Everything is going smoothly and I am receiving what I was expecting before I left the family that they call home.
One day, I receive a call. That was year 2003, I know that Dad was already retired from his job so he is staying home only. I receive a call from my Mother which obviously makes me frightened. First, she doesn’t know my office number, second, she doesn’t even call me for long time and third, the question that bangs me “Why did she call?” My mom was crying over the phone. I ask why and I am very calm as if she is anybody. I ask why and she said that Dad was sick and found out that he has Hypoglycemia damaging the organs. The doctor said that my dad will just live his life for 2 weeks from that time. I don’t know what to do that time. I packed up and go to my room. I did not cry, instead I started to think. I was working as a chemist that time and having a part time job as a family nurse handling a diabetic person. I cannot leave immediately since I need a reliever for my patient. And so I was able to find a reliever but it was too late. My dad is dead already. I blame myself that I almost commit suicide asking myself “Why can I take of somebody else, wherein I cannot care for my Dad?” It was so unfair. I did not ask God why he is unfair, because I know I have my fault, I have a problem with my family and that is the reason why I blame myself for that.
I was not able to know that when I packed up and ready to go to the one we call home, somebody knocks on my door. They are my sister that they do live in Manila already. Three of my sisters are living in Manila where I live too. One is married and the other 2 are working. That was the very first time we have travelled as one. That is the first time we talk after a long period of time. I am tired so therefore I just sleep for the 8 hours drive. While I am sleeping, I keep on asking myself so many WGY’s. Why only this time that we can be whole as one when my Father is dead? Why only this time that I can meet all of our Family? Why …… All of those questions were not answered. Until we arrive in the so called home. I am calm, trying to be stone hearted, and some doesn’t recognize me anymore. My sisters are crying but I remember my Dad’s words before I left the Family home before year 2000. “You are the bravest of the whole family, I trust you to take care of them when am gone.” I go near the coffin, I ask them to open it and I hold his hand and say “YES”. And up to now, that yes is still going. It is still yes.
Seven days of mourning. Seven days not talking to my Mom. Seven days of intrigue around the community and seven days of shame and pain of loss. Until the day my Dad was left in his long life journey the cemetery. After that day, I say goodbye again. I talk to my family just like Dad does every time before he left for another contract of job. I talked like father well my Mom is not there. I left my contact information to my sisters and brothers and said goodbye.
Going back to work is not that easy. I have pain of loss, regret that I was not able to make that time to make peace with my Mom only for my brothers and sisters. Well I just thought my words, my very own word “Well that’s life; we need to continue no matter what.” So I did. I continue, continue and continue. Until my sister visited me in my apartment with his family. It was the very first time that I had a guest in my apartment that is a family member. Imagine that, from year 2000 to 2004. Well the first visit in 2003 cannot be considered as a freewill visit, because they need to do something. It was the very first time to play with my niece and nephews. It was great, really great. Unexplainable feeling, amazingly different. Until I ask them to celebrate with me on Christmas, but my sister said no. So be it.
I want to make sure that what I have said to my Dad lastly will be true to me and to the Family. My youngest brother had finished High school and I get him and live in another apartment in Manila to go to University. I look for another family apartment for my sisters Family and for my other 2 sisters. At least I can have an eye to everybody, especially to the girls. My sister finished college by her own and ask me to help here to go abroad. And so I did. My other sister asks me to send here to college and so I did. My youngest brother was also in college so I have a lot of things to cover. I feel like I am Dad but far away from them..
My sister left for Saudi Arabia year 2005 working for the Ministry. Then my other sister followed in 2008. I am not informing everybody that I have 3 offers waiting. One in Malaysia other in Japan and here in Saudi Arabia. Since my Dad have worked here and my 2 sisters are here, I better take a look at them so I did get the offer here in Saudi Arabia at least I have a background of things and how is it going here in Saudi Arabia. Nobody knows what I am planning, nobody knows what I am doing until my mom was able to answer my mobile confirming that my flight will be on the 18th of September 2008. So my Mom asked me why I will be going to Saudi Arabia and just a one word I was able to answer her Q. “Job” that’s what I answered and she did not ask anymore. I was working with Apple Inc. that time and my last duty will be at the 17th night shift. Cleared everything and I flew to Saudi Arabia.
It was like nothing happens. I have my life as it was in Philippines. They say that some of Filipinos go crazy because of homesickness, but I do not know what homesickness is until the first Christmas celebration happens in our flat. They call their family, they greet each other through phone, though messenger and everybody is happy. I am used to celebrate this occasion alone so I try to call them and say Merry Christmas and they did reply. I ask for Mom to talk to. And so my brother gave the phone to her. I greet her and she greets me. That’s all.
I never forget to send them money for the schooling of my brother and for the allowance of them. That was my role before. Another Christmas happens, I call and greet them and my Mom shouts over the phone because my brother was the one talking to me. I told my brother to give it to her and he greets me with a smile I think. And she asks me this, “It has been a long time son, when you will celebrate Christmas with us?” And I know that she was crying, her voice is shaking. I answered her, “Soon Mom” It is like heaven feeling. The very first time that my Mom invited me for family celebration where I celebrate it always alone. I was going to office that time and I want to go out of the bus and pick a ticket going to Philippines. Hehehe. That was the very first time that a Mom is a sweet person, a sweet mother, understanding mother.
Today, I can call Philippines anytime and talk to my Dear Mother. If I am confused, I talk to her. If my job is overloaded, I talk to her and she will comfort me. This is the life that I ever wished for, but it was too late, my Dad is just watching us but not with us. I am so mad at me that I just did the effort so late. I may have this life before if I just exert a little effort. But it was too late but still I am so thankful. My mom, my sister, my brothers are talking to me like am one of the Family member now. Yes I am one of the members of the Family. Maybe I just forget that I am one of them also. It was late, but it was meaningful. Even my Dad had passed away and never sees us like this; I know that he is happy of what is happening.
I miss almost whole of my life if I did not exert effort. It is just a matter of pushing a twig that barricades the relations of us. I love the love that is given to me. I love the understanding of the family and accepting me as who I am. This is me and nobody can change me, except me, myself and I. This is the life that I wish for and now I am having it and I hope to have it until the day I die.
Starting from my young age that I know I am a gay and my family cannot accept me, I drove myself out of the family. I just lean on their financial support. I do not expect family or moral support. I was able to tell myself that I am alone now and I can live with it. I have made a different world out of my own and tried to live with it and tried to make this world of mine as happy as I can think of. I was wrong, as my true friends told me before. “You are born here in this world with people around, with your family, with your cousins and family friends; you are not alone so don’t put yourself in jail made by your own. Do not imprison yourself; you are making yourself a criminal of your own fault.” It was Marianne who told me that. She is my true best friend that she will tell it to you bluntly the truth of what you are doing, of what have you done, what it is the reason why it happens. That’s why I love her so much; she is my true best friend. That time, I knew that I am not alone and what is doing is not and should not be done and should not be going. I feel that time that am not alone. I feel that I have somebody to lean on, somebody that cares for me, somebody that I can rely on. That time, I knew what the meaning of moral support is.
Still my heart is away from my family that I thought, they never care about me. I have graduated high school without inviting anybody from the family, celebrates my birthday alone or some of true friends that I can just count on my fingers. I even graduated and finished my degree course that anybody in the family never knew that I was a scholar that I can finish that degree that I have earned. After my graduation that is the first time I stayed in our family house for more than one month. Yes I am still a gay and nobody can bend it. So my family treats me like I am sick, so sick that I am quarantined for that long month. Nobody talks, nobody shares my thought and they don’t care what I wish for. Still I am inside the family alone. One time my brother tried to punch me because am a disgrace in the family. Since my Dad is working away and I knew that he will be coming home soon, I have tried my best to stay up to 2 months, a grueling 2 months of pain, tears and sadness.
My father came home after few more days. That was April of 2000. So therefore, since I never talk to him for years since he was away and he doesn’t know what is happening to me. I felt that he doesn’t care about me too. A day after his rest, I ask him if I can have a few minutes alone with him. My dad says yes and I did talk to him. My dad doesn’t know how to cry that’s what is sure of. He is brave and stoned hearted. Over a cup of coffee I did not waste any second. I ask and ask and ask until I got all the answers. My Dad was able to understand me. It was the most wonderful day of my life. I remember my friend again, that I am not alone, I have still my family. And a mere kiss on his forehead was my answer with tears of joy.
Before I left that table as I remember, my Dad told me to try to talk to my Mom and Sisters and Brother. I told him that I cannot, I do not have enough strength to talk to them and I have a full anger to my mom that almost ruins my life. Just to hear the words like this “You better not be alive, you are a disgrace in family.” Will you come back at your family house? Will you talk to her ever? Will you have the strength and love to show to her? I don’t think so. I thought of talking to Mom. I get the strength from Dad. My Dad instead talks to Mom and we have conversation, the three of us. It was like hell. I stare at my Mom as like I don’t know her. I talk and explain. But still my mom cannot understand what should be understood.
That time I have decided to grab the offer of one company in Manila. I told my Dad that it maybe my goodbye to everyone. But they can visit me if they thought they want to see me. My dad told me this “You are mature enough and you know what is better from good.” He always says that when I talk to him even when I was a little kid before. I say goodbye to Dad one morning to go to work in Manila that nobody in the family knows that I am leaving except my Dad. And so that’s life. Back to normal, to be alone and care for myself.
I love my job in my new place. I live to work not that I live for happy life, which should be like that. Daily routine, daily things, always the same that nothing changed. The only thing that was changed is that, I woke up in the morning to go to work not to go to the University. Everything is going smoothly and I am receiving what I was expecting before I left the family that they call home.
One day, I receive a call. That was year 2003, I know that Dad was already retired from his job so he is staying home only. I receive a call from my Mother which obviously makes me frightened. First, she doesn’t know my office number, second, she doesn’t even call me for long time and third, the question that bangs me “Why did she call?” My mom was crying over the phone. I ask why and I am very calm as if she is anybody. I ask why and she said that Dad was sick and found out that he has Hypoglycemia damaging the organs. The doctor said that my dad will just live his life for 2 weeks from that time. I don’t know what to do that time. I packed up and go to my room. I did not cry, instead I started to think. I was working as a chemist that time and having a part time job as a family nurse handling a diabetic person. I cannot leave immediately since I need a reliever for my patient. And so I was able to find a reliever but it was too late. My dad is dead already. I blame myself that I almost commit suicide asking myself “Why can I take of somebody else, wherein I cannot care for my Dad?” It was so unfair. I did not ask God why he is unfair, because I know I have my fault, I have a problem with my family and that is the reason why I blame myself for that.
I was not able to know that when I packed up and ready to go to the one we call home, somebody knocks on my door. They are my sister that they do live in Manila already. Three of my sisters are living in Manila where I live too. One is married and the other 2 are working. That was the very first time we have travelled as one. That is the first time we talk after a long period of time. I am tired so therefore I just sleep for the 8 hours drive. While I am sleeping, I keep on asking myself so many WGY’s. Why only this time that we can be whole as one when my Father is dead? Why only this time that I can meet all of our Family? Why …… All of those questions were not answered. Until we arrive in the so called home. I am calm, trying to be stone hearted, and some doesn’t recognize me anymore. My sisters are crying but I remember my Dad’s words before I left the Family home before year 2000. “You are the bravest of the whole family, I trust you to take care of them when am gone.” I go near the coffin, I ask them to open it and I hold his hand and say “YES”. And up to now, that yes is still going. It is still yes.
Seven days of mourning. Seven days not talking to my Mom. Seven days of intrigue around the community and seven days of shame and pain of loss. Until the day my Dad was left in his long life journey the cemetery. After that day, I say goodbye again. I talk to my family just like Dad does every time before he left for another contract of job. I talked like father well my Mom is not there. I left my contact information to my sisters and brothers and said goodbye.
Going back to work is not that easy. I have pain of loss, regret that I was not able to make that time to make peace with my Mom only for my brothers and sisters. Well I just thought my words, my very own word “Well that’s life; we need to continue no matter what.” So I did. I continue, continue and continue. Until my sister visited me in my apartment with his family. It was the very first time that I had a guest in my apartment that is a family member. Imagine that, from year 2000 to 2004. Well the first visit in 2003 cannot be considered as a freewill visit, because they need to do something. It was the very first time to play with my niece and nephews. It was great, really great. Unexplainable feeling, amazingly different. Until I ask them to celebrate with me on Christmas, but my sister said no. So be it.
I want to make sure that what I have said to my Dad lastly will be true to me and to the Family. My youngest brother had finished High school and I get him and live in another apartment in Manila to go to University. I look for another family apartment for my sisters Family and for my other 2 sisters. At least I can have an eye to everybody, especially to the girls. My sister finished college by her own and ask me to help here to go abroad. And so I did. My other sister asks me to send here to college and so I did. My youngest brother was also in college so I have a lot of things to cover. I feel like I am Dad but far away from them..
My sister left for Saudi Arabia year 2005 working for the Ministry. Then my other sister followed in 2008. I am not informing everybody that I have 3 offers waiting. One in Malaysia other in Japan and here in Saudi Arabia. Since my Dad have worked here and my 2 sisters are here, I better take a look at them so I did get the offer here in Saudi Arabia at least I have a background of things and how is it going here in Saudi Arabia. Nobody knows what I am planning, nobody knows what I am doing until my mom was able to answer my mobile confirming that my flight will be on the 18th of September 2008. So my Mom asked me why I will be going to Saudi Arabia and just a one word I was able to answer her Q. “Job” that’s what I answered and she did not ask anymore. I was working with Apple Inc. that time and my last duty will be at the 17th night shift. Cleared everything and I flew to Saudi Arabia.
It was like nothing happens. I have my life as it was in Philippines. They say that some of Filipinos go crazy because of homesickness, but I do not know what homesickness is until the first Christmas celebration happens in our flat. They call their family, they greet each other through phone, though messenger and everybody is happy. I am used to celebrate this occasion alone so I try to call them and say Merry Christmas and they did reply. I ask for Mom to talk to. And so my brother gave the phone to her. I greet her and she greets me. That’s all.
I never forget to send them money for the schooling of my brother and for the allowance of them. That was my role before. Another Christmas happens, I call and greet them and my Mom shouts over the phone because my brother was the one talking to me. I told my brother to give it to her and he greets me with a smile I think. And she asks me this, “It has been a long time son, when you will celebrate Christmas with us?” And I know that she was crying, her voice is shaking. I answered her, “Soon Mom” It is like heaven feeling. The very first time that my Mom invited me for family celebration where I celebrate it always alone. I was going to office that time and I want to go out of the bus and pick a ticket going to Philippines. Hehehe. That was the very first time that a Mom is a sweet person, a sweet mother, understanding mother.
Today, I can call Philippines anytime and talk to my Dear Mother. If I am confused, I talk to her. If my job is overloaded, I talk to her and she will comfort me. This is the life that I ever wished for, but it was too late, my Dad is just watching us but not with us. I am so mad at me that I just did the effort so late. I may have this life before if I just exert a little effort. But it was too late but still I am so thankful. My mom, my sister, my brothers are talking to me like am one of the Family member now. Yes I am one of the members of the Family. Maybe I just forget that I am one of them also. It was late, but it was meaningful. Even my Dad had passed away and never sees us like this; I know that he is happy of what is happening.
I miss almost whole of my life if I did not exert effort. It is just a matter of pushing a twig that barricades the relations of us. I love the love that is given to me. I love the understanding of the family and accepting me as who I am. This is me and nobody can change me, except me, myself and I. This is the life that I wish for and now I am having it and I hope to have it until the day I die.
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