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Thursday, November 10, 2011

still loving you

just bored hehehe

Saturday, August 13, 2011

DIARY OF SAYING GOODBYE; (I Should Leave While Am In Love)

DIARY OF SAYING GOODBYE


(I Should Leave While Am In Love)


It was over, I am done, I fell, I failed and I am hurt. I leave, I left and suppose to be gone, but I have tried to cope up, move on and take another step. A step that then became a leap and a leap that became a jump to a new hope. A hope that I will find the right one. The right person to love, to care and to share with my life. It is not over as they say, but it hurts and I should accept it.

September 18, 2008 I arrived in Dammam Airport from Philippines with my luggage and pain. He is the main reason why I left the country. He the reason why I am looking for another life, another part of my life that I have missed the time that I loved him. But I told myself, it is alright, nothing should change, it will be still me and that ME will go on. A bit of sadness and tears go on and slowly I am adjusting to the new environment that I am in. Tried to stay peaceful and calm, and tried to hide the pain.
I worked as if nothing happens, pretending that I am alright. But deep inside I am broken, broken into pieces that I am trying to fix and pick one by one. It is not easy, I maybe far from him and from the memories that we have shared but he is still inside of my heart. Three (3) months had past and I am now ready (as I can see) to face the new ME. I wind up around and am myself. The pain is almost gone but I can still see the scars.

January 2009, I have my residence permit and I am allowed to go around anywhere I like. I have tried to sit in coffee shops, restaurants, go to some places and meet some nice people. I have this one favorite place that I always sit in with my laptop and chat with my family back home. This is one way of moving on and getting connected more to my family since I did not have more time to be with them when I was in Philippines. As time goes by and my routine stays the same, it is like a piano tune that never raises a note or even makes it in falsetto.

One February evening, it was a nice peaceful weekend and a bit cold. I decided to visit my favorite place in that coffee shop. It was full but my favorite was just like reserved for me. I sit down and turn on my laptop. The waiter came and he took my order (This waiter almost knew what I want every time I am there). As there are lots of people, the place is a bit noisy but not that loud so I decided to use my earphones. Listening to music and having done with a blog entry for the month. It was really cool night. The moon is shinning and the sky is clear and the weather is great. We call that weather as “the tail of winter” it was chilly cold with dry wind.
Here comes my coffee. Warned by the waiter that it was hot, I decided not to touch it yet. Well focused on what am doing and to my computer, I did not noticed that somebody was in front of me asking if he can join me in that place since there are no seats available. I stand up and say sorry (a gentle gesture of Arabs), and I said please you may. I did not mind him; anyways we are not friends or anything. Still continuing my work on a set of poems, he suddenly cracked the silence in that place asking why am so serious of what am doing and that was the second time (he told me) asking me. I did not hear him since am listening to music (Music is not allowed to be heard by Muslims in public places). I said sorry again and remove my earphones. I sipped my coffee and told him that I am writing something. That was the time that I saw his face directly and scrutinizes every inch of his appearance. He has a blue eyes, well designed mustache and beard. He started to talk and he is fluent in English but he is so serious. So I tried to fit in on his mood. He introduced himself and I introduce myself but I did not give my complete name since it is hard to do that here in Saudi Arabia. He asked me about anything he wish to know and I throw some questions too. Then he asked me if I usually have time to stay in that coffee shop and I said “yes I am always here if I have free time”. Then we both drink the coffee and had a long conversation and he knows how to smile and laugh that I did not know he can since he is a serious type of guy.
Another February 2009 weekend, I grab my computer and directly headed to the coffee shop. It was dusk after the prayer time. When I proceed to my place, I smiled because I saw somebody is there. (The place is actually at the corner where you cannot see the TV screen and most of Locals go there to watch football match while drinking coffee with friends.) Most of the time, nobody wants to take that seat before and the coffee shop was not full. He was there in my place reading a news paper. So I turn around and look for another seat. The only thing I don’t know is that maybe he felt somebody is coming to such place (my favorite seat) so he put down his newspaper and he saw me looking for another place. Then he called me and smiled. He asked me “You don’t want to seat in your favorite place?” I just smile and said “Yes of course I own that part of this coffee shop, I actually rented that for a year.” And I smiled, he laughed. He invited me to seat with him and so I did. I was not that talkative to avoid everything along the way hehehehehe. He started the long, long conversation that the coffee shop closed for the last praying time but we are still inside the coffee shop. We finished 2 cups of coffee and we reached 12 midnight. It’s getting late so I asked him an excuse to go home. I was shocked when he said “would you like a lift, I can bring you home.” I just told him, “no thank you so much but my house is just 5 minutes walk from here.” He said, “No it’s ok you will not pay the gas of my car, it’s for free.” Then I laugh and I cannot say no. That time, he knew where I was living. That meeting in coffee shop continues.
Until March 2009, I never saw him again. Well who is he anyways, it doesn’t matter. April 2009, I was amazed and shocked when he suddenly appeared in my place again. I don’t know but I feel happy to see him again. We are not friends. I approached him and said hello. He shook hands and what is more shocking when he greet me in a local way (kissing the right cheeks and saying salam). So I did reply also in local way. I asked him where he go the past month. He told me that he was in Yemen doing some Military Peace Keeping Force from Saudi Arabia. That time I knew that he was in Military. I got curious and I ask some questions about personal things. I just knew that he is an aircraft engineer working in Ministry of Defense (Naval Force) and he is doing the ground tactics. I said, “you are to humble and it doesn’t show in your face that you are a military guy.” But I said thank you (I usually give thanks to our uniformed men for keeping us safe), then he laughed ask me why I gave him thanks. I told him that I gave thanks for keeping us safe. And I continued, “I will not believe you until I see you in uniform with your rank on your shoulder.” Hahahaha it was a funny joke and he laughed to. We talked a lot until we exchange emails and mobile numbers.

I will never forget March 27th 2009. My phone rang and I do not know who is on the line. Well, I answered anyways expecting that it was a call from office. It was Friday and it was a weekend but my boss loves to bother me in weekends (this pisses me off). He did not answer immediately until I said ‘who’s on the line please?” Suddenly I hear his voice and I said “kick your ass military men, how are you?” He said he is fine. So I asked him why he called, instead of answering my question he asked me to go down the house. I grabbed my trousers (we are not allowed to wear shorts in this country) and rushed down. I saw his car but I cannot recognize him. I doubt to come and meet the guy in his car. The guy is wearing a navy uniform and wearing RayBan glasses (classic). I am going to turn around and go back when he called again, now he said, “where are you going am inside my car. I want to invite you for a lunch at the beach.” So I said ok. (Locals gets pissed off if they invite somebody to eat with them and they say no.) I come over and he went out of his car and removes his glasses. He was smiling like he is pissing me off. I entered the car and the time he sat down on the driver seat, I punch him hard on his shoulder. And he laughed so hard and asked why. I told him “I thought police is catching me for something.” And he really laughed so hard and said. “Nobody can touch you here even police, I am here habibi. (Means close friend).” And I said “Oh really? Now I believe that you are a navy but I do not believe that you can be a hero.” And he said “You need to test, am serious.” No comment at all and a sudden silence. I told him that I will not go out of the car and eat at the beach restaurant with him in his uniform. So he told me that I need to give him three minutes to go to his house and change his clothes.
We arrive in his house, I did not go out of the car instead I waited. Exactly 3 minutes he came back and I was in total shock. He is wearing denim and shirt. But the shirt couldn’t hold his big masculine body. Now you can describe him as a HUNK, he is perfectly shaped. Not showing to him how I was really attracted to his physique, I don’t look at him too much. It was a complete silence when suddenly he flicks my ears (I was listening to music). And I shouted, it hurts “Ouch, the hell you are.” And he laughed so loud. I punched him many times on his right shoulder and then I stopped and he asked “is that all you’ve got?” His shoulders were so hard like you are punching a stone with a very thin cushion. I just said, “Hell you are, it hurts.”
We arrived at the restaurant and we come in. We sat in Arabic style of eating (squatting on the floor). I just raised my brows and smiled and said, “I know you don’t like to eat in this position, but I like and I dominate, you did not win yet on challenges.” So I ask what challenges. He said “if you make my shoulders violet in one punch then you win.” I laughed because I don’t know that he has this kind of sense of humor. I cannot do anything, so I just sat down and wait for the food. I was in total shock when I saw the bunch of food. One whole grilled chicken for me and a mountain of Arabic rice. A local yogurt and a half liter of juice. And I said “Am I going to be executed after this meal?” He laughed again and said, “That’s how big people eat, a feast and since you are with big person today, you should eat just like how I eat.” So I just said ok.
After about an hour of talking and eating, we finished lunch and we went to the beach to grasp some fresh air. Then I asked him to bring me home. Then at that moment he said, “Before I bring you home I will tell you something.” And then I asked what. I don’t know if I will like it or not but I hear it from him. He said, “Can we be more than friends?” and I said, “Like what?” He said “Like partners, I will be there if you need me and you will be my inspiration.” That time I kicked him really and he was too fast that he blocked my foot. And he laughed so hard and said. ‘You will never win habibi, you will never win. But I will lose something and I know you will win.” He started to be serious again. And I said, “Kick your ass Military men, don’t make jokes or I will kill you with my bare hands.” He laughed so hard and grabbed me with his one hand. He hugged me from the back that I can’t breathe because it was too tight hug. Then he bite me in my right ear and said, “Ok try to kill me now.” He continuously laughs. And I got pissed off and gave him a blow from my elbow on his stomach. Now I was able to get away and I am the one laughing Hahahaha. I sat down again and he sit beside me and ask seriously. “Will you let me love you? Will it be possible?” I did not answer instead I just smile.
We continuously meet each other if he is free and I am free. Until we found out that we are developing a good relationship. Time goes on; everything seems to be happy and great. Everything is like a sparkle of a star. And it is like the world never ends. He calls me from time to time but I never called him. It was great to be with him. I feel so safe and I am very happy for the first time after I get broken. I prayed and hope that this will never end.
We continue our affair of love and relation, until the time that he told me, I need to go to the gym and make myself fit because he feels awkward when I am with him outside because he can just lift me with his finger. I just smile at him until January 2010. He came to me with a card. Then I can’t read it since it is Arabic. He told me, come with him tonight and we will go somewhere and just show the card to the person who will ask. So since I trust him so much, I joined him. He pick me up at 8 PM and then drive through for a very short wile. Just about 2 minutes, we stopped. I asked why and where we will go. He smiled and said, “come with me, you should see people because you are just hiding there in your room like a prisoner.” So I went out and join. I was amazed when I enter the door. It was a gym, and the gym instructor approaches us and said, “Sir, are you a new member?” He said immediately, “Yes, he will be a member from now on, habibi give him the card.” The gym instructor was shocked when he called me Habibi. Then he left me by the counter and the gym instructor guided me through. When I asked the front desk if how long will be my membership, he told me that it will be valid for 3 months. I just said ok.
About to start the training he approaches me and said, “Be good ok.” Then he introduced me to his friends inside the gym. So I started the proper training until I get addicted to gym. He doesn’t need to get me from home and bring to the gym. I just walk and we meet there. Building up and everything is going fine but I am feeling a doubt that something is happening.
I did not see him for a day. The he arrived late the next evening in the gym. So I asked why. He just said that he was busy with his job in the naval base, so I just said ok. Not minding everything, my job gets worse and worse. I need to do overtime every night that I am so tired that I miss some of my gym schedules where we usually meet. He called me one time and get angry. Asking why am wasting the time. I told him that I am too busy with my job but he did not accept my reason. I promised him that no matter what happen I will be in the gym as he wished and so I did.
Slowly everything fades away like clouds from the sky after the rain. The sky went bright and the sun shines. And that cloud would be him. I did not see him for long time. February, March, April, May. I thought he was lost already. He is gone. I am continuing my gym training with my own membership already. I never expect him to come back. Yes, I was in love with him and I thought he is also. Time passes by and one night he arrived. He just shook my hand and said hi.
I know he is there already so that nights I send an offline message in his Yahoo messenger and he did reply. Tried to talk again and he again replied. In the long run of the conversation, the person on the other line slipped and said a word which is my mother tongue and I asked who he is. Then I called him over his mobile and it is off. I send an SMS and suddenly he replied. That time I thought that he is cheating.
Next night I saw him in gym and I did not greet him and nothing happens. The guy behind the magical Yahoo messenger showed up and he make a face unto me that just like saying, “get away from my partner.” I never talked to him until one day he called me. He told me if I can go out with him and I told him NO. That is the first time I said no to him and I mean it. That time am not sad nor happy. I just said to myself, “This is me and nothing will happen no matter what, Joe will still be Joe and nobody can change me. I am the rock that nobody can break.
The next night in the gym he approached me and said sorry and I told him directly on his face. “It’s ok not a problem for me. It is better to see you happy with somebody than to be with me and you feel lonely. But why him? I don’t like his attitude.” And he just smiled. And then he ask me, “Can we still be friends?” And I say Yes but that same friends before. I need to leave you while am in love. And that’s the end. We see each other inside the gym but we never talk to each other.













Monday, April 11, 2011

A DIARY OF SAYING GOODBYE


It has been 3 long years and I almost forgot what love is. How does it feel to love and what is the pain you got in saying goodbye. I left Philippines because I was heartbroken. I fell in love and it suddenly it dies. It is like a flare with bursting flame at first and ends up like a stream of water that flooded my heart with pain.

September 2006, when I transferred to a new company and found the one that I thought was the right person for me. Have been friends since that time and started to grow ponder and ponder. Never thought that it will end and never expect that it will happen. Every moment with him is unexplainably happy, no sad moments and never knows what the meaning of sadness. We are working in same company and same team – so what I expect? – We became closer to each other and bestfriend inside the team. Throwing jokes, making fun and treasuring every moment. I never feel sadness; I never had bad times and never thought that it will end.

February 2008, we meet at the grounds of the company we are working with and we both have a great smile. He greets me with an ever glowing smile and I do the same. And he said to me that he will give something for me to review. Yes, we are at work that time already and of course what I thought is that he will be giving me something about work. So we go upstairs to start the night (we are working in night shift) of long work. In the middle of that night he approach me with a rolled paper in his hand, tapped my shoulders and said, “Joe could you please check if my correspondence is right?” And yes I know it was a draft, so I did open the rolled paper, ran through the message and I was shocked, HE WISH TO HAVE AN IMMEDIATE RESIGNATION. To be honest, I want to shout that time and throw a punch on his face. My best friend saw me that my face is red and she approaches me asking why. She can sense what happens. (My bestfriend Chai knows everything about me and she is my dearest sister as I treat her). I tried to be calm and make myself easy and well poised as we are in public place (work floor). I just recommend some notes and things to improve his correspondence. I write it in the way like a secretary does and that’s it.

Lunch time (actually it is midnight since we are working at night), I go with my bestfriend to the restaurant and I did not talk anything about him and even my bestfriend did not talk anything about him. Silence for the whole meal session. Until he came and said “why you just left without me?” Cha answered and I did not make any noise. My bestfriend left us inside the restaurant and we talk. (I don’t like to remember the things in saying goodbye.) He said he will be going back to where he belongs and will be leaving March of that year. And I said, Is it over? And he said YES. I just stand up as if nothing happens. I filed for a leave that night and stayed in my room for 2 days. My bestfriend called me many times checking if I am ok. I told her that I am fine and am good. I changed my shift for me not to see him. But one time he waited for me and approached me in my office and invited me for a party. I know it will be his birthday. So I did say yes in a frantic way for him to go out of my office. He knows my attitude at work and outside of office.

At his birthday, everybody was there and enjoying while I just sat down and watch the guests of his party. I tried to be ok and fine and tried to look happy for his birthday but I can’t. I drink a lot until I got drunk. Then as I can remember he said that he will be leaving in 2 weeks time. So he invited the people again for his despidida party and of course I am one of them. Nothing happens in his birthday. It was as cold as ice and freezing like winter in North Pole. No more talks, no more grins and winks and smile.

Despidida party, I was there. I helped him prepare to leave, my friends were there. We cook and we sing until the time that he needs to left. The time he will leave he asks me to join him in the car going to the airport and I said no I will just join my friends in the other car. So the travel begun. We reached the airport right on time that he has few minutes before boarding. He approached me and had a sweet friendly kiss on the cheeks and a tight hug. For the last time I whispered the word I LOVE YOU and Goodbye. I cannot hide it, my tears fell down and I immediately took a taxi going home. I never had a second glance at him. It was my most sad goodbyes.

I cannot really forget him. What I have done is, I packed all the things he gave to me and throw it away. Even his favorite gift that he have given to me. I did put any reason for me to remember him. But as time goes by, he is still in my heart and he always makes me cry.

June 2008, I have heard that he came back from other country. But that time I was eager already that I will be going out of the country to forget him. I have received already the job offer. He invited me for a party again. I did join in so casual way. And I approached him like I just meet him that time saying. “Hi am Joe, pleased to meet you.” He was shocked but he got the meaning of what I have done. He insisted that time to talk to me. We go for a walk. I was so calmed and keeping myself in poise. I have told him that if he can left me like a rug I can forget him like an empty can and I will be leaving the country soon and when he comes back, I will not be there anymore.

I saw sadness in his face, but I need to forget him. We said goodbye and everyone departed going to each nest to rest. I did my way home still in pain and I get a good sick leave to recollect myself into one. I have cried a lot and stayed in my home for 2 weeks. I did not accept any friend. I close my mobile phones and unplug my land line phone. (I stay alone in my apartment). My sister came and checked me and I just answered am OK and they know me that I can handle everything in proper way. 2 weeks is over and I need to go back to work.

Back to work and it is July. The first step inside the company building, the guards told me that I look so thin and unwell. I told them am ok. Then I entered my office and started to do the job but every time I pass by his previous office I still remember him and I cannot forget him in my heart. I finally decided to work abroad. My friend told me that he is still in Philippines that time processing his papers for his job. I waited for one more week and I signed the contract to work here in KSA. I continue to work and waited for further notification.

Mid of August 2008, I got my VISA and undergone procedures to leave the country for good and to forget. September 2008, it was the birthday celebration of Zachy – the son of our Manager. I was so happy to see this kid. He is so cute and cuddly.  Party had started and I never expect for late guests, and here he comes. He comes with a kid also I know the kid his nephew. He approached me and as usual, the hug is there. And he has the ego to ask me “How are you?” and I say. I should be fine. In the middle of the party our manager has informed everybody that I filed for resignation for good. Everybody was shocked and everybody is asking why. Mommy – as we call our manager- gave me the floor to explain. I told the team that I will be leaving them with bleeding heart. That they are my family already, that they are the only people that can make me happy and I regret to leave but I need too. And lastly I told them that I need to leave to FORGET. He bow his head down, I don’t know if he is ashamed or what. I saw my bestfriend Chai has flaring eyes of anger to him. As my lonely tear fell down. I said goodbye to all. The company did not let me go until I show to them the ticket going to KSA. They say that I should stay since I am one of the good team player of the company and I told them that I need to go for something and not that I do not like the company. Again my sad face was shown in HR office of our company. The Manager of HR told me that I can comeback anytime I like. That makes me happy.

September 17, 2008 is my last night at work. Everybody goes to my office and give me a hug, a kiss, a tap on the shoulder and somebody even give me something that will make me remember them. My trainees even gave a flow of tears. That is how they love me in the company. The best thing that I receive that day was 3 orchids with his name and note. And I throw it immediately into the trash.  So I say goodbye that night and my flight is in the afternoon of September 18, 2008. Until then, I did remove him in my mind and trying to remove him in my heart. It is like heaven and hell combined. I am happy that I made a way to forget but I am sad because I loved and forget.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

NGITI NG PAG-IISA

Sa bawat sandali ng aking Buhay
Ikaw lang ang laging nasa isip
Ni hindi makatulog
Kapag di ka nasisilayan

Noon, akoy laging maligaya
Laging may ngiti sa mga mata
Hindi maipaliwanag na kaligayahan
Ang dulot mo sa aking Buhay.

Noong sandaling iwan mo ako
Biglang tumigil ang ikot ng aking mundo
Hindi ko alam kung paano tatanggapin ito
Ang pagkawala mo sa Buhay ko.

Kung noon ako’y nakangiti
Ngiti ng labis na kaligayahan
Ngunit ngayong wala ka na
Ang ngiti ko ay dahil ako’y nag iisa.

Ang ngiting noong walang katulad
Ay ngiti ngayon ng kalungkutan
Nasan ka na aking mahal
Nais kong ibalik ang ngiti ng ating nakaraan

THE WAY I HIDE THE PAIN

I Smile even if my heart is broken
Mingle with people as if nothing happens
Make them laugh
While deep inside I cry.

Let me walk under the rain
To hide the tears in my eyes
So nobody can notice
That my heart is in pain.

Let me join people rejoicing
Even I am in sorrow in pain
This is the way I should hide
My heart that is broken

The time I was with you
My life is all happiness
I don’t know what sadness is
Because you are my everything

Now that you’re gone
I am not used to sadness
What I know is only happiness
And now I just hide the pain.

SMILE OF SADNESS

I smile because of the joy
That I feel from my heart
And you can see it in my eyes.
I smile because I rejoice
That I love somebody
And that somebody is so dear to me.
That was before. . . .


And now I smile
Even though am broken,
Even my heart is full of pain
Even my life is ruin
And you can see it my eyes.
That I smile to my life,
That I was so stupid that I love.


I smile because am not happy.
I smile because I could not rejoice
I smile because I am broken
And I smile with tears in my eyes
And let you say goodbye.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Friday, February 25, 2011

LET ME TRY AGAIN

I loved and made me broken
It just left nothing but pain.
I tried to keep you but you still go
I set you free because I love you.

Friends tell me that I should try again
But you still in my heart with pain
You cannot blame me
That is because I still love you.

Now that someone came
And loves me the way you do
I know that I still love you
But I am confused coz of you.

Should I love again?
And let the pain end
Or should I continue to love you
And let the pain remain?

You know that I love you
But since you left me, I set you free.
I think I my life should continue
And try to love again.





Saturday, February 5, 2011

FOREVER

As the wind blows unto my face
I can feel you presence
I can sense the smile
That used to greet me every day

It is impossible to forget you
And that I will never do
For I love you so
And forever it will be true

Another page of our love has passed
But my love for you will last
Like the ocean that never ends
Like the river that never bends.

If the book of love have been torn
I promise that my love will never be gone.
Because my love for you is true
And forever I will do.

I promise that no matter what happen
I will always be there for you
This is what I can promise
And forever I will love you.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

MY LOST PART

I wake up in the morning
And all I can see is darkness
Why do light was gone.

I have tried to shout
But there’s no voice coming out
How can it be gone?

I would like to hear the sound
But nothing I can hear
Where do sound is gone?

And I sit down
I remember that you are gone
You are my light, my soul and my life

I wish you come back
Come back to me
Make me whole again.