This is my 6th year having Christmas alone and doing work in my office. All I can do is just call my family and greet, they never know that my heart is crying wanting to be with them but I need to do this for us, for my family not only for me. I could not express the feeling and the meaning of Christmas because I am not with them. I have tried many times but I keep it for the family not only for me. I want to shout, I want to cry but I should show it to them. They know that I am the strongest heart in the family, they know that I can make it, they know that am not weak and they know that they (family) are not important to me. That was said by my father before when I first tried to have Christmas alone. After the death of my father in 2003 I have started this attitude to have this very meaningful season alone for the reason that I cannot have a good talk with my Mom and with my eldest sister. Before I remembered, I just came late from University and it was 24th of December I was on training my Sweetest Father made a call and said if I can join them in the Noche Buena. I told him, am on my way Pa I will be joining. But that moment I was trying to see if my mother will call me to invite me for the said celebration, but again it was my Father who did it.
Christmas in 2004, my house is just 500 meters away to our family house. I am trying to see if my mother will call me for an invitation. She did not. I go to my office, midnight, nobody is there, and nothing is moving, only me and the guards. I locked my office and cried and hoping that one in our family will call me. 25th came, nothing happens as if am not there. I decided to keep it in my heart.
2005 I took another job as a Customer Service specialist. I am handling graveyard shift. Christmas, again the same thing happens. I am the one who called them and greet them as I have promised to my Dad that I will be keeping myself close to them (family). I wish that they will invite me. My hope and wish for that Christmas is again gone. My heart now is a stone, I didn’t cry, I didn’t take it serious. Now I am like a moving plastic around our family. Still at least am existing to their eyes even they don’t consider me as a living one. It’s ok now for me. I have accepted the fact that when I was in teenage I have done many things bad, many things against the family tradition, against the family respect that they have earned. But what can I do, this is me and I know what I am doing. Only my Dad (I really miss him) can understand me as his son and he is my bestfriend and my Dad.
Christmas of 2006, my brother is living in province and my sister also in another province. I called them and ask if they want to have a party with my Mom in that Christmas Eve. Both said yes. My 2 sisters are with my Mom and my youngest brother. I send money to my them and they were able to make it on 24th afternoon. I came home early because I took a half shift schedule to see if they will have a good family party and wish to join them. I passed by our family house and smile to the kids and give gifts just in front of our small gate. I did have a midnight shopping on the 23rd of December and I was able to wrap the gifts alone. My sister saw me and said her greetings. I just smile and return back the greetings. And I asked my eldest sister if she can send her kids along with my eldest brother’s kids to my house before the Eve. She said yes. I smile back and give thanks. My Mom saw me but she did not even break her lips for a smile. So I went home alone, locked everything and just me and my music. I cooked my own dish for Noche Buena, prepared some food for kids. I sat down in my living room and have rest. I accepted the fact that I am alone now and will be alone for more years. I did not cry, just few tears fell down from my eyes. I really remember that night my very beautiful Christmas ever. 9 PM of 24th December. I heard kids singing carols, they are like angels. So I got up from a nap, open my main door and I saw my little angels. Those kids are my niece and nephews. They are really like their uncle they know how to sing. And the most promising sight is that, they bring gifts for me. I kept my heart calm and smiling, but I could not keep my tears of joy. I hug them and my eyes and cried. Nobody from the kids asked why I cried. They just smile. I don’t want to end that night. I want the world to stop turning but I can’t. My sister called and asked me to send home the kids. So I did. I spent the Eve again alone with my dear music in the air.
I continue my next year 2007; I am stronger now than ever. My heart is not stone anymore; it is the hardest metal ever. Christmas is coming. I did not greet anybody from the Family, am tired and full and that’s enough. If they cannot forgive me then I have to accept it that they need time. My brothers are not talking to me. Just my sisters who can understand me. Now I just support them financially as what they have done to me in my whole life. Christmas is coming and I have promised that I will give whatever they wish to have. Again I made the family complete. Send money to my brother and sister for them to come in Family Christmas Party. I have made up my mind to get the shift on the Christmas eve. I did not greet anybody. I did not even hear anything from my Mom. My sisters called even I was in my office to greet me and that was all. I did not prepare any gift. I made it a point that it will just ordinary day. So be it. Nothing special for me that very memorable day.
2008; Christmas, I am in Saudi Arabia, nobody calls, nobody remember me from my family. For them, I do not exist anymore. Maybe my Mom have forgotten that he has a son away from home. I continue my life as if nothing happens. No tears, no gifts, nothing. It is just a very same day as it is like a normal day. I wake up in the morning, eat, take shower and go to my office. Nothing special, nobody remembered me. So accept the fact that they may consider me gone.
Now it is my 6th year of having Christmas away from my family. Six years trying to check if my Mom will give me that wonderful greeting. If my brother, will talk to me, if the kids can still remember me, if . . . . . . . . . . everything I wish for will be granted. This are the questions that am asking up to now and I cannot get any answer. “Did I do a crime to the family?” Did I do anything that ruined our family? Did I?????????” This time, I think twice if I will call my Mom to greet her Merry Christmas. I slept 1:00 AM already this 24rd of December thinking of the way I should approached the greetings for my Mom. I was on the bus going to my office that I have tried to call. She answered the phone and I greet her good afternoon. And she just answers with a sigh. I greet her Merry Christmas and it takes a minute for a response and that response made me smile and my tears fell down. Here is what she said on the phone in Tagalog. “Anak kelan ka ba magpapaskong kasama kami?” In English, “Son when will you spend Christmas with us?” And that sigh turns to cry. I can hear her crying. I am so happy that I have heard her inviting me to join them. I have heard her that she missed me. And it makes a sign that I am forgiven. It is a one line promising that can make my whole world and life happy. I am now living not existing. I am now a member of the family.
This is my Christmas, away from home. But near in their heart. My day is complete and my Christmas is wonderful Merry Christmas to all and Hope to have a true meaning of Christmas in your heart.
Christmas in 2004, my house is just 500 meters away to our family house. I am trying to see if my mother will call me for an invitation. She did not. I go to my office, midnight, nobody is there, and nothing is moving, only me and the guards. I locked my office and cried and hoping that one in our family will call me. 25th came, nothing happens as if am not there. I decided to keep it in my heart.
2005 I took another job as a Customer Service specialist. I am handling graveyard shift. Christmas, again the same thing happens. I am the one who called them and greet them as I have promised to my Dad that I will be keeping myself close to them (family). I wish that they will invite me. My hope and wish for that Christmas is again gone. My heart now is a stone, I didn’t cry, I didn’t take it serious. Now I am like a moving plastic around our family. Still at least am existing to their eyes even they don’t consider me as a living one. It’s ok now for me. I have accepted the fact that when I was in teenage I have done many things bad, many things against the family tradition, against the family respect that they have earned. But what can I do, this is me and I know what I am doing. Only my Dad (I really miss him) can understand me as his son and he is my bestfriend and my Dad.
Christmas of 2006, my brother is living in province and my sister also in another province. I called them and ask if they want to have a party with my Mom in that Christmas Eve. Both said yes. My 2 sisters are with my Mom and my youngest brother. I send money to my them and they were able to make it on 24th afternoon. I came home early because I took a half shift schedule to see if they will have a good family party and wish to join them. I passed by our family house and smile to the kids and give gifts just in front of our small gate. I did have a midnight shopping on the 23rd of December and I was able to wrap the gifts alone. My sister saw me and said her greetings. I just smile and return back the greetings. And I asked my eldest sister if she can send her kids along with my eldest brother’s kids to my house before the Eve. She said yes. I smile back and give thanks. My Mom saw me but she did not even break her lips for a smile. So I went home alone, locked everything and just me and my music. I cooked my own dish for Noche Buena, prepared some food for kids. I sat down in my living room and have rest. I accepted the fact that I am alone now and will be alone for more years. I did not cry, just few tears fell down from my eyes. I really remember that night my very beautiful Christmas ever. 9 PM of 24th December. I heard kids singing carols, they are like angels. So I got up from a nap, open my main door and I saw my little angels. Those kids are my niece and nephews. They are really like their uncle they know how to sing. And the most promising sight is that, they bring gifts for me. I kept my heart calm and smiling, but I could not keep my tears of joy. I hug them and my eyes and cried. Nobody from the kids asked why I cried. They just smile. I don’t want to end that night. I want the world to stop turning but I can’t. My sister called and asked me to send home the kids. So I did. I spent the Eve again alone with my dear music in the air.
I continue my next year 2007; I am stronger now than ever. My heart is not stone anymore; it is the hardest metal ever. Christmas is coming. I did not greet anybody from the Family, am tired and full and that’s enough. If they cannot forgive me then I have to accept it that they need time. My brothers are not talking to me. Just my sisters who can understand me. Now I just support them financially as what they have done to me in my whole life. Christmas is coming and I have promised that I will give whatever they wish to have. Again I made the family complete. Send money to my brother and sister for them to come in Family Christmas Party. I have made up my mind to get the shift on the Christmas eve. I did not greet anybody. I did not even hear anything from my Mom. My sisters called even I was in my office to greet me and that was all. I did not prepare any gift. I made it a point that it will just ordinary day. So be it. Nothing special for me that very memorable day.
2008; Christmas, I am in Saudi Arabia, nobody calls, nobody remember me from my family. For them, I do not exist anymore. Maybe my Mom have forgotten that he has a son away from home. I continue my life as if nothing happens. No tears, no gifts, nothing. It is just a very same day as it is like a normal day. I wake up in the morning, eat, take shower and go to my office. Nothing special, nobody remembered me. So accept the fact that they may consider me gone.
Now it is my 6th year of having Christmas away from my family. Six years trying to check if my Mom will give me that wonderful greeting. If my brother, will talk to me, if the kids can still remember me, if . . . . . . . . . . everything I wish for will be granted. This are the questions that am asking up to now and I cannot get any answer. “Did I do a crime to the family?” Did I do anything that ruined our family? Did I?????????” This time, I think twice if I will call my Mom to greet her Merry Christmas. I slept 1:00 AM already this 24rd of December thinking of the way I should approached the greetings for my Mom. I was on the bus going to my office that I have tried to call. She answered the phone and I greet her good afternoon. And she just answers with a sigh. I greet her Merry Christmas and it takes a minute for a response and that response made me smile and my tears fell down. Here is what she said on the phone in Tagalog. “Anak kelan ka ba magpapaskong kasama kami?” In English, “Son when will you spend Christmas with us?” And that sigh turns to cry. I can hear her crying. I am so happy that I have heard her inviting me to join them. I have heard her that she missed me. And it makes a sign that I am forgiven. It is a one line promising that can make my whole world and life happy. I am now living not existing. I am now a member of the family.
This is my Christmas, away from home. But near in their heart. My day is complete and my Christmas is wonderful Merry Christmas to all and Hope to have a true meaning of Christmas in your heart.
