CHRISTMAS AWAY

This is my 6th year having Christmas alone and doing work in my office. All I can do is just call my family and greet, they never know that my heart is crying wanting to be with them but I need to do this for us, for my family not only for me. I could not express the feeling and the meaning of Christmas because I am not with them. I have tried many times but I keep it for the family not only for me. I want to shout, I want to cry but I should show it to them. They know that I am the strongest heart in the family, they know that I can make it, they know that am not weak and they know that they (family) are not important to me. That was said by my father before when I first tried to have Christmas alone. After the death of my father in 2003 I have started this attitude to have this very meaningful season alone for the reason that I cannot have a good talk with my Mom and with my eldest sister. Before I remembered, I just came late from University and it was 24th of December I was on training my Sweetest Father made a call and said if I can join them in the Noche Buena. I told him, am on my way Pa I will be joining. But that moment I was trying to see if my mother will call me to invite me for the said celebration, but again it was my Father who did it.

Christmas in 2004, my house is just 500 meters away to our family house. I am trying to see if my mother will call me for an invitation. She did not. I go to my office, midnight, nobody is there, and nothing is moving, only me and the guards. I locked my office and cried and hoping that one in our family will call me. 25th came, nothing happens as if am not there. I decided to keep it in my heart.

2005 I took another job as a Customer Service specialist. I am handling graveyard shift. Christmas, again the same thing happens. I am the one who called them and greet them as I have promised to my Dad that I will be keeping myself close to them (family). I wish that they will invite me. My hope and wish for that Christmas is again gone. My heart now is a stone, I didn’t cry, I didn’t take it serious. Now I am like a moving plastic around our family. Still at least am existing to their eyes even they don’t consider me as a living one. It’s ok now for me. I have accepted the fact that when I was in teenage I have done many things bad, many things against the family tradition, against the family respect that they have earned. But what can I do, this is me and I know what I am doing. Only my Dad (I really miss him) can understand me as his son and he is my bestfriend and my Dad.

Christmas of 2006, my brother is living in province and my sister also in another province. I called them and ask if they want to have a party with my Mom in that Christmas Eve. Both said yes. My 2 sisters are with my Mom and my youngest brother. I send money to my them and they were able to make it on 24th afternoon. I came home early because I took a half shift schedule to see if they will have a good family party and wish to join them. I passed by our family house and smile to the kids and give gifts just in front of our small gate. I did have a midnight shopping on the 23rd of December and I was able to wrap the gifts alone. My sister saw me and said her greetings. I just smile and return back the greetings. And I asked my eldest sister if she can send her kids along with my eldest brother’s kids to my house before the Eve. She said yes. I smile back and give thanks. My Mom saw me but she did not even break her lips for a smile. So I went home alone, locked everything and just me and my music. I cooked my own dish for Noche Buena, prepared some food for kids. I sat down in my living room and have rest. I accepted the fact that I am alone now and will be alone for more years. I did not cry, just few tears fell down from my eyes. I really remember that night my very beautiful Christmas ever. 9 PM of 24th December. I heard kids singing carols, they are like angels. So I got up from a nap, open my main door and I saw my little angels. Those kids are my niece and nephews. They are really like their uncle they know how to sing. And the most promising sight is that, they bring gifts for me. I kept my heart calm and smiling, but I could not keep my tears of joy. I hug them and my eyes and cried. Nobody from the kids asked why I cried. They just smile. I don’t want to end that night. I want the world to stop turning but I can’t. My sister called and asked me to send home the kids. So I did. I spent the Eve again alone with my dear music in the air.

I continue my next year 2007; I am stronger now than ever. My heart is not stone anymore; it is the hardest metal ever. Christmas is coming. I did not greet anybody from the Family, am tired and full and that’s enough. If they cannot forgive me then I have to accept it that they need time. My brothers are not talking to me. Just my sisters who can understand me. Now I just support them financially as what they have done to me in my whole life. Christmas is coming and I have promised that I will give whatever they wish to have. Again I made the family complete. Send money to my brother and sister for them to come in Family Christmas Party. I have made up my mind to get the shift on the Christmas eve. I did not greet anybody. I did not even hear anything from my Mom. My sisters called even I was in my office to greet me and that was all. I did not prepare any gift. I made it a point that it will just ordinary day. So be it. Nothing special for me that very memorable day.

2008; Christmas, I am in Saudi Arabia, nobody calls, nobody remember me from my family. For them, I do not exist anymore. Maybe my Mom have forgotten that he has a son away from home. I continue my life as if nothing happens. No tears, no gifts, nothing. It is just a very same day as it is like a normal day. I wake up in the morning, eat, take shower and go to my office. Nothing special, nobody remembered me. So accept the fact that they may consider me gone.

Now it is my 6th year of having Christmas away from my family. Six years trying to check if my Mom will give me that wonderful greeting. If my brother, will talk to me, if the kids can still remember me, if . . . . . . . . . . everything I wish for will be granted. This are the questions that am asking up to now and I cannot get any answer. “Did I do a crime to the family?” Did I do anything that ruined our family? Did I?????????” This time, I think twice if I will call my Mom to greet her Merry Christmas. I slept 1:00 AM already this 24rd of December thinking of the way I should approached the greetings for my Mom. I was on the bus going to my office that I have tried to call. She answered the phone and I greet her good afternoon. And she just answers with a sigh. I greet her Merry Christmas and it takes a minute for a response and that response made me smile and my tears fell down. Here is what she said on the phone in Tagalog. “Anak kelan ka ba magpapaskong kasama kami?” In English, “Son when will you spend Christmas with us?” And that sigh turns to cry. I can hear her crying. I am so happy that I have heard her inviting me to join them. I have heard her that she missed me. And it makes a sign that I am forgiven. It is a one line promising that can make my whole world and life happy. I am now living not existing. I am now a member of the family.

This is my Christmas, away from home. But near in their heart. My day is complete and my Christmas is wonderful Merry Christmas to all and Hope to have a true meaning of Christmas in your heart.

I LOVE YOU BUT YOU LOVE HIM

From the time we meet

I fall in love with youI don’t know how it happens

What I know is I love you so.

Time make my feeling strong

But I don’t know that it will go wrong

I don’t know if I made a mistake

But to love you is what it takes.

I cannot hide my feelings

Because my love for you is burning

I could not live without you

And you know that it is true

To forget you is impossible to do

And you know that too.

I still love you But I know that you love him too.

I am now setting you free

Like a bird flying free

But you always stay in my heart

Even to love you will tear me apart

That’s how I love you

And am wishing that he loves you as I do.

I will never say goodbye

Because you are still in my heart and mind

Even though you love him so

But still I love you

And I will take it because it is true.

SORRY THAT I LOVE YOU

I maybe right, I maybe wrong
Because my love for you is strong
You are far away
But my love will find a way.

I never thought that you do love me too
But I am not sure if you really do
Because I never saw you
And fell your love if it is true

We never meet before
But my love getting stronger
Like the wind of the storm
It can blow anything on my way to make you my own

Now I saw you with somebody
But I know that you are happy
And now I say sorry
But I love you really.

My Special One

I may be gone of your sight
And you forget me it might
But you will always be the one
Until my life is done.

Am always here
To love and to protect you still
And make sure that nobody can harm you
And I will always do.

Coz you are the sun that lights my world
The stars that twinkles my night
The dawn of my life
And you will always be My Special One.

LOVE AND SORROW

Love,
Why did you come to my life?
Is it because I am ready to accept you?
Or is it because I am hungry for you?

Love,
How are you able to change me?
Is it because of your power?
Or is it because your purity?

I have been wondering
I have been searching
And I finally found you
My unconditional Love.

Love,
Why did you left me?
I am now here alone
Nothing to depend on.

Love,
Did you just forget me?
I have been waiting for you
I have been longing for you
But now you are gone.

Love,
Is this your fruit?
To be happy and have meaningful life
And to die with pain and broken heart?

I am now in sorrow and pain
And I have no power to bear my life again.
Love, why did you do this to me?
You leave my life in misery.

WHERE ARE YOU ?

Here I am alone
Waiting for the man that I have known
I cannot tell if he gone
Because my love for him has never been done.

I know that this may be the end
The end of a long journey
The journey of love and beauty
And the beauty that is starting to fade.

I always have restless nights
I don’t know if I still need to fight
For this love that is so bright
That delights me even whatever it might.

I don’t know if it is over
Because my love for you digs deeper
I will keep it still in my heart
Until the day you will say that we need to part.

I am so lonely still
And my love for you is real.
No matter how long I will wait
Because my love for you is pure and great.

I keep on waiting for you to come back
But I know that your heart is a rock
So hard that I cannot enter
And share the love for you that I feel.

Just remember that I will always be here
To love and comfort you still
But where are you my love
I am now searching for you like a dove.

I hope to find you soon
Because my love for you is getting strong.
I will always be waiting
For this love I will give everything.

DOES LOVE REALLY ENDS

DOES LOVE REALLY ENDS?

We always say, “I am done, I will forget it”. The we cry, we stumble and sometimes it is a fall of our life. This time you don’t know where to end. We think that this is the end of our life. But we start to face the truth that we are here with a mission. We stand up and face the truth. We struggle and fight the truth that the love that we have planted was gone. But is it really gone? Is it really over? Will you treat that as a history of your life. Love will always be there, it may fade but it will not be lost completely for sure.

When we say love, it is very broad. It maybe parental love, brotherhood, friendship or even intimate love. Let us focus on a mutual love of a man and a woman or even a man to a man as a homosexual. We had our first, second, third, fifth or until we had our marriage. But every love that we have encountered have we forget those people? I think no. And I am sure that we did not forget them. If we fall in love we put a space in our heart for that person and inculcate in our mind and we cannot forget him or her. We think, we dream and even spend a time for him or her. So it is not true that it ends. We say that first love never end. That’s true. If it is real love, the person that we first love is the one that is so fortunate that captures our heart. We can never forget that person that is for sure.

I would like to share something about my first love. Let us use the word HIM for pointing to the person I do love for the first time. I did fell in love with him for the first time I saw him in my job. He is witty enough and smart. Philosophical but true. I cannot compare his smartness and composure to any other people inside the office. I do not look for physical attributes for a person because what I want is the ability to think and how smart he maybe. In that case I did fell in love with him. Until the time that we loved each other and stayed for almost a year and a half or almost 2 years. We have time for each other, we understand each other and we make it a point that we talk about us to make the things go smoothly. Until the time that he needs to go back to his country for future studies. I cry, my life was empty and I cannot do anything. I say that it was the end of my life. But it wasn’t. So I am here in Saudi Arabia to continue my life and forget him. And you may say, “did I forget him?” I will say NO. I just put away myself to the places that I may remember him. I just take a chance to move on. I just make a point that I live my life as it should be. But really I am not able to forget him. Now that I have my second love, I set him as my standard. He is my measuring device. If somebody can be in his place or almost like him then it will be a good person for me. He is in my mind when somebody wishes to capture my heart and I tell that person that you should have this and I will be like this to you. It is not a condition but it is a measurement of what I can give and what he can give to me. My second love is much more than what my first has. But because of the standard that was set of my first love I was able to get a better man for me. So in that view I cannot forget him yet, He may fade in my heart but still he has space in my heart.

In some ways they say that the love that they have given was gone already. IS this really true? Because they feel guilty of what they have done. They feel angry to what happened. They feel insecure to the one that replaced you in his heart. That’s why they say that their love for him or her was gone. But still is it really gone? You will not be angry, insecure, jealous, guilty if you are not in love with him or her still. You will not feel that way if that person has no space in your heart. If that person has no space in your heart then why will you be angry, why will you jealous, guilty and why will you think of that person? That is some questions that we need to answer to clarify if your love was gone already or it has ended.

Sometimes we say that we already forget that person and what is lefty in our heart is the scar of love. So what does it mean to have a scar. That means that the wounds of broken heart was engraved still and that scar represents the space of that person in your heart. It just needs a fire to start the spark of love again to that person. Scar represents the love that we have planted but it was not watered enough to grow. The scar represents the seeds of love that we have grown and was propagated to a certain period of time. That means that if the seeds will be watered again with a very precious love of the person it will grow again. Or if somebody will fulfill the seeds of love and let it grow again but the seeds was propagated of your first love. First, second or the nth love that we have overcome and the heartaches that we felt because of love, we cannot still forget them. They can set as the standard of a new love or they can be a measuring device for our next love.

In clarity, love does not ends. It just fades to a very pale colour waiting to another person to give it a wonderful rainbow color again. We cannot forget people we loved. We cannot say that our love to them ends already. Scar of love I there. The color just fades and the seeds that you and him has propagated is still waiting for new love. LOVE NEVER ENDS. LOVE IS EVERYWHERE It just needs a good heart to make it meaningful. Just keep loving because we can make people happy and we will be remembered.

joe

IT'S NOW OR NEVER

IF NOT NOW, THEN WHEN?


Most of the time we are disregarding something to tell to somebody because we are shy, feared, in doubt or we are not in the mood to tell. But then have you ever thought when the right time to tell is?

I accept, that I always in that same place to tell something. I cannot tell most of the time because I am shy to share. I am feared that something may happen if you expressed or tell that thing to your friend, family, or buddy, but I always remember what my Dad told me; “If not now, then when?”

This happened to me twice and I accept that I have learned from that lesson. The first instance that it happens to me is that when I first fell in love with my best friend. I just keep in my heart that I love him; I just show it some manners to show that I care for him. I am there to comfort him in times of troubles and downs and I am his best friend also in return. He never knew that I have a feeling for him and I never told him also since I am shy and in doubt that he may reject my feeling. I am in that part of fear of rejection. In that case I never told him about my feeling. I kept in inside of my heart. I kept it as precious just like a priceless gemstone. Days, weeks, months and years passed by and my love go strong. Until the time that we worked together in the same company. He sits beside me and sometimes I sit beside him. We make jokes, we go to parties, I visits him in his apartment with my other friends and most of the time he is the one inviting for a party (I don’t invite him even on my birthday hahahah). For 2 years in the same company he told me that he will be going out of the country and I was the very first one to know. I ignore it until he told my best friend (lady) about what he is planning to do. 3 months passed and the issue was gone. He is still working and we are happy to be friends. One mid month he called me and shows his resignation letter and I asked why and he answered that he told me already why. So I got what he meant. He asked me if the resignation letter is alright and reasonable so I read it and told him that he needs to be precise for the reason of leaving the company. So he edited his resignation letter “on my computer” since he brought his USB and the file was saved there. As I observed he put there that he will be leaving because he has a Job offer in Dubai and it is urgent. In that case I remember what my Dad told me “If not now, then when?” He left the following week and I stayed in pain and sorrow. My heart was broken into pieces and I cannot mend it. I wrote so many poems for him and post it in my blog that he usually visits and I am hoping that he will understand what I am feeling. And I think that he do and he stopped the communication with us. I was not able to say I love Him and I am late to know that he cannot love me for what I am and now I am leaving in pain. If I just told him before maybe my heart was already mended and I am happy that I know he cannot love me.

The second time was when my Dad died. I was then working far away from my family. Living alone and thinking only about me. I never tell my Dad that I love him as he is a good man and he can understand it. We never in our family spit out the word “I love you Mom, Dad, or brother or sister” we just go through as a human being like we don’t have heart. My Dad had a Hypoglycemia illness and it was found and traced by the doctors very late and the doctors concluded how many days he will leave. Not even months. Since I was working in a big company I cannot leave immediately due to the responsibility that my job covers. I need to transfer the entire job to the person relieving my position for the meantime and it take 2 weeks for the transfer. The very end of turn over that very same day Sunday at 3 PM my Mom called me and my dad died at that time. I was not able to care for him. I was not able to even say “I love you Dad” wherein I have lot of time to say that. It will never take 10 seconds to whisper it in his ears or to say it over the phone, but still I was not able to say it. My Dad is a man with Golden words. He will not hurt you, but he will give you a puzzle to know what to do and for you to learn. I was not able to remember what he said and I was very late. I came home to our province but I was not able to see my dad alive to say that wonderful words. I was able to see my Dad inside the coffin not breathing and cold. I know that I was not on the right time to say that words since he cannot hear it. But I shouted that I love him so much. Sorry for me that my words will not be heard by my Dad. He is dead; he is as cold as ice. Even I cry out loud and say that beautiful word a thousand times he will not hear it. Even I shout up to the top of my lungs and top of my voice he will hear it. Even I hug him so tight and show to him how I love him, he will not feel it. It takes years until I was able to accept that my dad is gone, he is dead. I left our home in pain and almost cursing myself. I just promised to him even he is inside the coffin that in return of being a good father to us, I will stand as the father of the family and I am doing it until the end of my life.
We always say “Maybe tomorrow is the right time, maybe he will be on the right mood tomorrow and so I can tell him”. Do you know when the right time is? Do you know that time is running and everything is changing? He may be good today and you don’t know it. He may be on the mood to listen today or the next day. You may be able to see him today and tomorrow he is gone. We do not know the right time but we know that we are late. If we tell him right there and then, then he will know it wether he is on the mood or not, wether he is angry or not. What is the right thing that we have done is we informed him and we are able to give him the information. He may be here today but he may be gone tomorrow and we will say that we are late. “If not now then when?”

MY SECRET OF HAPPY LIFE

I AM WHO I AM

I can always say that I am enjoying life, the way I live, the way I love. I cannot compare to anything else how I am so happy with my life. I feel free; I can do whatever I want. That is because I am not hiding anything to anybody. This is me, this how I live and this how I will continue my life for better if not for the best. There are always ups and downs in your life and you may ask why? That is because God is trying to test you if you can handle everything in your hand to live. That is because environment is trying to test you if you can adjust on what is the reality. Remember that you are not the only one in your environment but still I am free. Just take note you are there in that area and you are alive because you have a purpose. You will not be there if you don’t have a purpose. Always remember that even a mushroom that sprouts around the field has its purpose, and so as you.

Here are some techniques why I enjoy life. (1) I accept who I am and I stand as me, the way I live, the way I walk, the way I talk and in every ways. I don’t hide anything. There was a word that my Dad told me “A bad and putrid odor, even you keep it 6 feet under the ground it will always be a bad smell that may spread anytime.” That means that even you are a professional keeper of bad secrets, time will come that it will be opened out. I am not saying that you cannot tell me your secrets, I am a good friend and a choosy friend but I can keep secrets that are considered as a secret and should not be out in the field like a bad smell, BUT that secret should not be bad enough to hurt anybody or anything around me. I keep secrets for the good of all. (2) Enjoy life. You may ask how to enjoy life? There are many ways to enjoy life. You can start it by just liking a food that you will not end eating until you see the plate empty, from that time you are enjoying your life. Basing from rule 1 you can enjoy life already. Just accept who you are, do what you think is right, make sure that you are not hurting anybody or stepping egos of people, then you are living in a healthy lifestyle. (3) Be contented on what you have. Take this word. “Make the most out of it.” If you know that you just have this such few sources, then make the most out of it. If you think you can improve it, then go ahead but be contented on what you have that very moment. Do not look for something that is impossible to get at that stage of your life because you cannot pick a fruit and eat it if it is not yet edible, It will be useless. Then if you are improving then share it, because that thing that you are trying to get is not just for you, you cannot improve alone, you cannot move a mountain by your bare hands and remember that you cannot walk properly if you have only one foot (sorry for the word; with all due respect to the impaired) that means you are not living alone. There is always somebody with you, if not a friend, it maybe your family or even always God. You may say that you are alone in the dark because you choose your life to be in the dark, and then look for the light. If you said that God gave you a burden and you cannot carry it, that’s impossible, try to read “Foot Prints in The Sand”. You are not given a challenge if God knows you cannot make it. That is where you need to improve yourself. Just be contented of your life, get what you have and share what you can share. That is the Golden rule. (4) LOVE. No one can explain love because it is a feeling that is unexplainable. It broad enough that it can rule peace, it can rule humanity, and it can rule everything. Love is the highest form of feeling. If you lost love, you will cry or even die. If you have love and you are sharing it, you cannot say that you are not happy of the outcome. The fruit of love is unexplainable. The highest of feeling, the highest form of care and everything. If you love, you are happy, and if they love they are also happy and if you and I share love, we will be both happy. Weird isn’t it but true. Because you will only be happy of your life if you are in love. Everything is ruled by love. Anything can be ruled by love. You cannot measure love, and you cannot measure happiness. This the way I live.

This is me, I am not hiding anything, and I am not stepping egos of anybody because I am just human and always am a human. I am here because I have a role to be done. I live because I love, and I am cared and contented of what I have. This is me and I love to live that’s why I am happy.

WHY

This is a question that puzzles in my mind. This poem was written by me in 5 minutes asking myself why.

I was really heart broken and i cannot move 0n. But now i am one step forward and trying to mend a broken heart.

this is me and i need to change.

My Love So Beautiful

It is really hard and painful to set your love free, it makes your world stop, it tears your heart, it ruins your soul and makes your life unmeaningful. There are lots of questions you will ask and it will fall to a single word "why".

I have loved someone, thinking that he loves me the way I do, longing to be with him forever, wishing that he will be the one that will care for me but that was all a dream and he left me. I have ask myself so many times; What have i done wrong? Do somebody have something that I don't have? Am I not good lover? Did I make a mess? Why did he leave me?

It really hurts but what can I do. In the end I found out that he has his new love. I just wish that he will be happy to that person. I just wish that he will find that something that I do not have to that person. But I am always dreaming that he will come back but I am not expecting anymore. He already said goodbye and now am alone and crying. I set him free even it hurts, even it tears my heart.

All I can say now is "thank you for the beautiful love" that you have given to me even that is not true because I am true to me.

Thank you. I love you and goodbye.

WHY DID YOU LET ME LOVE YOU?

It was once a good friendship

Playing around, joking and having fun.

But because of your sweetness and good heart

I started to love you.



I try to stop it,

But you show me everything that gives me the reason to love you.

You don’t even know that I love you,

Because we are friends and that’s what you know.

FIGHTING A LOSING BATTLE

You know that it was over
And you are the loser
But you keep on doing the same
Wishing that he will be tamed.

You know that he was gone
And your love was done
All you can do is cry
Till your eyes become dry.

Even though it was over
But you keep on loving her
Wishing that he will still love you
But now it will never come true.

He was gone and love is over
But you are not putting down your armor
And you are still fighting
For love and a losing battle.

LAST TEARS

All of this time

my life is always in rhyme

I do not have to worry

because you are always beside me.

Time have passed

And love starts to fade

I feel so sad

that our love is going bad.

I give all my life to you.

Thinking that you will love me too

the way that I do.

But that was only a wish and was not true.

Now that you’re gone

and the love was done.

What can I do if you say goodbye

Just sit down and cry?

I want to say to you

that I will always love you

and if this is goodbye

this last drop of tears is offered to you.

GOODBYE MY LOVE

A Cry of a Broken Heart

You was once my companion
My life and my inspiration
But things have changed
And that feeling was gone.

You treat me as a friend
But you are still my everything
I cannot accept this failure
But what can I do.

I tell you that I love you
Even though it will not come true
But what can I do
My heart is till loving you.

It’s really a pain
But who can I blame
My heart cannot forget you
Because I really love you.

Now that you’re gone
And that feeling was gone
I feel so lonely and blue
But I should go through

My heart cries
As your love for me dies
Never said hello
Or even say goodbye.

How can mend a broken heart
How can continue this life
When a part of it was lost
So how can I live life to its most.

A Sad Goodbye

Once it was a nice and happy relationship
Being a friend and buddy for me.
Hoping that time will never end
And wondering if my wish will come true.

Time passed and season changed
Just like a flower that withers
The sudden beauty was gone
But my love is not yet done.

I wish you will understand me
I wish you will always be there to comfort me
But this part was gone
When I said I love you and you said sorry.

I hope that we can still be friends
But that wish will never come true
Since you are already far away from me
In heart and in reality.

How could I say goodbye
If I did not even say hello
How could I say I love you
When I know that it will never come true.

I only wish that you will be happy
And I will do everything for you
Because I am still here
And contineously loving you.

I will say a sad goodbye
Because I know you are happy
Maybe with somebody
But what can I do.

It is hard to mend a broken heart
But I should do
Even if life is empty
Without you.

Life must go on
And I am still loving you
I want to say goodbye
And hello.

WHY

I Love a person but he left me
Gone away for no reason
I ask myself why?
But I cannot grasp for any answer.

I love him so much
But he did not give it return
I ask why?
But he cannot answer.

I try to love a person
But still I feel I am alone
I ask myself why and what’s wrong?
But there no definite answer

Love is so harse to me
It will never stay for long
And I ask myself why?
But I cannot think for an answer.

Am I a waste to be loved?
Or am I not a good lover?
Am I a stupid person to be loved?
Or I have something in me that is not acceptable?

Why life is like this to me?
Why I am always a looser?
Why they cannot love me?
Why?