IF NOT NOW, THEN WHEN?
Most of the time we are disregarding something to tell to somebody because we are shy, feared, in doubt or we are not in the mood to tell. But then have you ever thought when the right time to tell is?
I accept, that I always in that same place to tell something. I cannot tell most of the time because I am shy to share. I am feared that something may happen if you expressed or tell that thing to your friend, family, or buddy, but I always remember what my Dad told me; “If not now, then when?”
This happened to me twice and I accept that I have learned from that lesson. The first instance that it happens to me is that when I first fell in love with my best friend. I just keep in my heart that I love him; I just show it some manners to show that I care for him. I am there to comfort him in times of troubles and downs and I am his best friend also in return. He never knew that I have a feeling for him and I never told him also since I am shy and in doubt that he may reject my feeling. I am in that part of fear of rejection. In that case I never told him about my feeling. I kept in inside of my heart. I kept it as precious just like a priceless gemstone. Days, weeks, months and years passed by and my love go strong. Until the time that we worked together in the same company. He sits beside me and sometimes I sit beside him. We make jokes, we go to parties, I visits him in his apartment with my other friends and most of the time he is the one inviting for a party (I don’t invite him even on my birthday hahahah). For 2 years in the same company he told me that he will be going out of the country and I was the very first one to know. I ignore it until he told my best friend (lady) about what he is planning to do. 3 months passed and the issue was gone. He is still working and we are happy to be friends. One mid month he called me and shows his resignation letter and I asked why and he answered that he told me already why. So I got what he meant. He asked me if the resignation letter is alright and reasonable so I read it and told him that he needs to be precise for the reason of leaving the company. So he edited his resignation letter “on my computer” since he brought his USB and the file was saved there. As I observed he put there that he will be leaving because he has a Job offer in Dubai and it is urgent. In that case I remember what my Dad told me “If not now, then when?” He left the following week and I stayed in pain and sorrow. My heart was broken into pieces and I cannot mend it. I wrote so many poems for him and post it in my blog that he usually visits and I am hoping that he will understand what I am feeling. And I think that he do and he stopped the communication with us. I was not able to say I love Him and I am late to know that he cannot love me for what I am and now I am leaving in pain. If I just told him before maybe my heart was already mended and I am happy that I know he cannot love me.
The second time was when my Dad died. I was then working far away from my family. Living alone and thinking only about me. I never tell my Dad that I love him as he is a good man and he can understand it. We never in our family spit out the word “I love you Mom, Dad, or brother or sister” we just go through as a human being like we don’t have heart. My Dad had a Hypoglycemia illness and it was found and traced by the doctors very late and the doctors concluded how many days he will leave. Not even months. Since I was working in a big company I cannot leave immediately due to the responsibility that my job covers. I need to transfer the entire job to the person relieving my position for the meantime and it take 2 weeks for the transfer. The very end of turn over that very same day Sunday at 3 PM my Mom called me and my dad died at that time. I was not able to care for him. I was not able to even say “I love you Dad” wherein I have lot of time to say that. It will never take 10 seconds to whisper it in his ears or to say it over the phone, but still I was not able to say it. My Dad is a man with Golden words. He will not hurt you, but he will give you a puzzle to know what to do and for you to learn. I was not able to remember what he said and I was very late. I came home to our province but I was not able to see my dad alive to say that wonderful words. I was able to see my Dad inside the coffin not breathing and cold. I know that I was not on the right time to say that words since he cannot hear it. But I shouted that I love him so much. Sorry for me that my words will not be heard by my Dad. He is dead; he is as cold as ice. Even I cry out loud and say that beautiful word a thousand times he will not hear it. Even I shout up to the top of my lungs and top of my voice he will hear it. Even I hug him so tight and show to him how I love him, he will not feel it. It takes years until I was able to accept that my dad is gone, he is dead. I left our home in pain and almost cursing myself. I just promised to him even he is inside the coffin that in return of being a good father to us, I will stand as the father of the family and I am doing it until the end of my life.
We always say “Maybe tomorrow is the right time, maybe he will be on the right mood tomorrow and so I can tell him”. Do you know when the right time is? Do you know that time is running and everything is changing? He may be good today and you don’t know it. He may be on the mood to listen today or the next day. You may be able to see him today and tomorrow he is gone. We do not know the right time but we know that we are late. If we tell him right there and then, then he will know it wether he is on the mood or not, wether he is angry or not. What is the right thing that we have done is we informed him and we are able to give him the information. He may be here today but he may be gone tomorrow and we will say that we are late. “If not now then when?”
Most of the time we are disregarding something to tell to somebody because we are shy, feared, in doubt or we are not in the mood to tell. But then have you ever thought when the right time to tell is?
I accept, that I always in that same place to tell something. I cannot tell most of the time because I am shy to share. I am feared that something may happen if you expressed or tell that thing to your friend, family, or buddy, but I always remember what my Dad told me; “If not now, then when?”
This happened to me twice and I accept that I have learned from that lesson. The first instance that it happens to me is that when I first fell in love with my best friend. I just keep in my heart that I love him; I just show it some manners to show that I care for him. I am there to comfort him in times of troubles and downs and I am his best friend also in return. He never knew that I have a feeling for him and I never told him also since I am shy and in doubt that he may reject my feeling. I am in that part of fear of rejection. In that case I never told him about my feeling. I kept in inside of my heart. I kept it as precious just like a priceless gemstone. Days, weeks, months and years passed by and my love go strong. Until the time that we worked together in the same company. He sits beside me and sometimes I sit beside him. We make jokes, we go to parties, I visits him in his apartment with my other friends and most of the time he is the one inviting for a party (I don’t invite him even on my birthday hahahah). For 2 years in the same company he told me that he will be going out of the country and I was the very first one to know. I ignore it until he told my best friend (lady) about what he is planning to do. 3 months passed and the issue was gone. He is still working and we are happy to be friends. One mid month he called me and shows his resignation letter and I asked why and he answered that he told me already why. So I got what he meant. He asked me if the resignation letter is alright and reasonable so I read it and told him that he needs to be precise for the reason of leaving the company. So he edited his resignation letter “on my computer” since he brought his USB and the file was saved there. As I observed he put there that he will be leaving because he has a Job offer in Dubai and it is urgent. In that case I remember what my Dad told me “If not now, then when?” He left the following week and I stayed in pain and sorrow. My heart was broken into pieces and I cannot mend it. I wrote so many poems for him and post it in my blog that he usually visits and I am hoping that he will understand what I am feeling. And I think that he do and he stopped the communication with us. I was not able to say I love Him and I am late to know that he cannot love me for what I am and now I am leaving in pain. If I just told him before maybe my heart was already mended and I am happy that I know he cannot love me.
The second time was when my Dad died. I was then working far away from my family. Living alone and thinking only about me. I never tell my Dad that I love him as he is a good man and he can understand it. We never in our family spit out the word “I love you Mom, Dad, or brother or sister” we just go through as a human being like we don’t have heart. My Dad had a Hypoglycemia illness and it was found and traced by the doctors very late and the doctors concluded how many days he will leave. Not even months. Since I was working in a big company I cannot leave immediately due to the responsibility that my job covers. I need to transfer the entire job to the person relieving my position for the meantime and it take 2 weeks for the transfer. The very end of turn over that very same day Sunday at 3 PM my Mom called me and my dad died at that time. I was not able to care for him. I was not able to even say “I love you Dad” wherein I have lot of time to say that. It will never take 10 seconds to whisper it in his ears or to say it over the phone, but still I was not able to say it. My Dad is a man with Golden words. He will not hurt you, but he will give you a puzzle to know what to do and for you to learn. I was not able to remember what he said and I was very late. I came home to our province but I was not able to see my dad alive to say that wonderful words. I was able to see my Dad inside the coffin not breathing and cold. I know that I was not on the right time to say that words since he cannot hear it. But I shouted that I love him so much. Sorry for me that my words will not be heard by my Dad. He is dead; he is as cold as ice. Even I cry out loud and say that beautiful word a thousand times he will not hear it. Even I shout up to the top of my lungs and top of my voice he will hear it. Even I hug him so tight and show to him how I love him, he will not feel it. It takes years until I was able to accept that my dad is gone, he is dead. I left our home in pain and almost cursing myself. I just promised to him even he is inside the coffin that in return of being a good father to us, I will stand as the father of the family and I am doing it until the end of my life.
We always say “Maybe tomorrow is the right time, maybe he will be on the right mood tomorrow and so I can tell him”. Do you know when the right time is? Do you know that time is running and everything is changing? He may be good today and you don’t know it. He may be on the mood to listen today or the next day. You may be able to see him today and tomorrow he is gone. We do not know the right time but we know that we are late. If we tell him right there and then, then he will know it wether he is on the mood or not, wether he is angry or not. What is the right thing that we have done is we informed him and we are able to give him the information. He may be here today but he may be gone tomorrow and we will say that we are late. “If not now then when?”
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