THE ROAD TO NOWHERE

I just knew that I was sick and it is terminal, but still I don’t know why am alive. Why am here and what is my purpose in life? It never came into my mind on what is my purpose, all I know is just am happy living my life. That’s it and no other.

I was born in poverty and below poverty line is the status of my family. We eat rice once a day with salt and water as our viand. We plant root crops in preparation for drought and in preparation for not having rice on our table as staple food. I remember that there were times that we just eat once a day. And our food? . . .  Boiled sweet potato. It doesn’t matter anyway, what is important is we are alive..

Time comes; my brain starts to function as it should be. I entered elementary grade and I make it a point that I will be schooling at my best. My mother nor my Father did enrolled me for Grade 1 as a pupil. What I know is that I ask my Mother to give me my birth certificate and that’s it. The next week I am starting to go to school EMPTY stomach. I don’t care, and who cares even. What I know is am alive, I am selfish that time, I want to grow, I want to live longer that’s it. Other than that is a glorious day for me. What is important for me is that I am thankful that I am alive; my family is there (even though I don’t feel them. Physically they are there) and I have friends around. There are times that my food is just tears falling from my eyes. It is enough to feed my lonely heart and to feed my hungry stomach. I just close my eyes and am there in the table of imaginary food, but look still I did it. I struggle with compassion alone or with my Physical family. I did all I can to please them but they are like robots that you wont please them anyways so I did please myself. Funny, but true.

Grade 3 pupil when I started to join competition for quizzes, when I started to dance for my life and when I join the stage to please anyone that I can please. That was my purpose now, to please people not my family or even those who doesn’t want to be pleased. Still my life and my family was below poverty line where we eat once a day and what we know lunch is a porridge food and that’s it, no other than that. Who is with me is my teachers, coaches and friends again. .  They are my family. It made me stronger that at the young age, tears am not a measure of feeling but a measure of being weak. I forget to cry, I even don’t know what it is at my age of 12. I don’t care. I even see people cry but I call them looser. Why they cry, can it heal them? No tears won’t heal but time will do. Understand life at present, don’t look back, and don’t even try to step back, just learn from what you have done wrong before and consider it as history.

I have done my elementary grades with flying colors, well who cares? I earn medals, again who cares? What I know is that I own my life, I make my journey and this is me. If they can’t be happy for me at least I am happy for myself. Call me selfish but I call it STRONG. I am like living on a verge of a cliff that anytime I make a wrong move I will fall into a depth that nobody can pick me up, besides nobody will pick me up right. I need to be strong for me. I need to be mean sometimes, I need to be hypocrite, I need to cheat myself and that is my card in winning.

At the age of 12, I was apart from my family, having my high school life away from them. Some other people told me that it was really hard, but for me it is just easy. So what if am apart from them, so what if I cant see them, I even ask myself if they wish to see me or even ask myself if I am one of their son. Time flows and I am getting older, understanding every bit of information. Now I learn that sometimes, being selfish is feeding yourself with what you want and grieve not what you need and what you can do. I want a revenge that’s what I can see in my heart. Well it’s not too late for me to change I told myself. So I started to do so. I started to go back home (family house) as much as I can. Even though my Mothers mouth is like a machine gun with unlimited bullets on it. Suddenly my Father changed and he understands me. He understands who I am and why I am like this. For me the bright sky is like promising me new things. Well I am happy for that. Still I am I making it a point that I am making my life to the fullest making each moment on top. Aside from joining competitions for quizzes, I entered stage drama and extra-curricular activities in school. |No wonder I graduated with flying colors.

Graduation day, every family must be or should be happy for their sons and daughters have finished the second stage of education but not me. I was waiting for any family member to arrive to attend for my graduation day and none of them arrived. Anyway, I started to prepare for nothing but a very casual occasion when suddenly my Mother arrived in a glooming, glamorous Filipina gown. I was shocked and she asked me if am ready. Well I am ready with my uniform on and ready to hit the facade for the graduation entrance when suddenly she became angry and ask me where are my casual attire for the graduation. Do you think a 16 year old guy can make it possible without a job to procure for him casual attire? I don’t think so. The next thing I know is that a partnered spunk on my face just landed. I did not cry nor did I not show a face.  I just told her that she will not attend my graduation and no one will attend my graduation but me. Now I can feel that she was a bit proud of me but it was too late. Even though she was there but I did not let her attend my graduation ceremony. She waited me outside of the events hall and asks the guards not to let her in. I did not give her any invitation too. When I went out, I just go directly to my boarding house. I did not cry, nor did I not feel any happiness.

I graduated in high school with flying colors and with honors and commendations (they don’t know about that) and I am ready to hit university and I ask them if they can help me at least. What I remember is that a long wood just landed on my back as an answer. I did not say anything even a single word. They did not see any tears dropped from my eyes and my answer was just a flaming look at them. I talk to my Father and I told him that if they cannot let me into a university, I will do my best to help myself. And I did. Again, I did not invite them for my bachelor’s graduation. I just made myself proud of me. (I don’t know if they are proud of me) and just told myself that what I am doing is for me. I want to improve my life, I want to see the real world above poverty. I want to know what life is in reality.

Life goes on, my father died with sickness while am working and that is the last time I saw my tears fell. It is hard to loose somebody who was there when at least I need somebody to comfort me. My father is a few worded men that all he answers will help you think. (Idioms). I continue my life and I aimed to put my family out of poverty. I started to look for work that will immediately help us step up. I worked in and out of the country and earn some more for a living. Sent my youngest brother to college and finished a technical course. At least now I know that I am worthy enough to live but where am I going, what is my purpose of living?

For long that I have been working, I have earned a little, I have put up our family a little on top of poverty, I have made friends, I have met cousins who I did not meet in my whole life. For long time I am working, I feel like something is happening to me. Something that will stop me from what I am doing for the family. I was outside of the country when I realized that I need to come home and check what is happening. Yes I am sick and it is terminal that I cannot do what I want to do, that I cannot live for long I was thinking I can that I cannot be happy as what I was thinking before and I am near to end my life with no purpose at all. Why am I here? What am I doing in this earth, what should I do? Now I don’t like to tell them, I don’t like them to know that I am dying, that my life is so short to put them up and I don’t like to be a burden. Yes, I had bad feeling with them but I did not show it to them on the other hand I did what I can do to help them but still they thought that I am ok that I can sustain what they want and what they need. I cannot anymore, I am like a candle nearing to the point that the lit will end and darkness will come. I am thinking what will happen to them if am gone. What will happen to be if am on bed, who will take care of me, who will be beside me, up to know they don’t care at all. They don’t even ask me how I do; all they know is that I am their living ATM machine, their living bank without any deposit at all. I don’t like to end up my life with nothing focused but my family, I want something that I can be remembered as whom I am now, not who I am before because life has the ability to change and people has the ability to accept failure.

Who I am? Where I will go? How long will I stay? What will happen if am gone? Will they survive without me? What will happen? Where am going? Where . . . . . . . . . ?